To Christians With Same Sex Attractions

One of my old crushes was doing a radio interview today. Melissa Etheridge has a new album out, all covers of 50's and early 60's tunes, and older blues tunes. I had forgotten entirely about that. Obviously, the radio interview didn't cause me to start going all crazy or anything, but it reminded me of another time... Then I remembered other crushes like that. I was almost afraid that remembering would bring it back, which it didn't, but that reminded me of the torment that so often goes with that kind of temptation. You're always afraid it will be triggered, and that you will feel terrible while you sit there with whatever positive chemicals God made for romance flooding your system at the same time. it is very confusing. And awful. I can understand why people would want to just give up.
I wanted to give up. But I didn't. And now I'm talking about the whole thing in the past tense, as I have been for a long time.

A post someone made in a facebook group I am in:
"The Book of Romans chapters 5 through 8 are very powerful. Ask the Holy Spirit to intercede and guide you through the scripture readings. For the scripture is Spiritual and communicates with our Spirit."
When I was walking through it I read those a lot. I didn't think it was helping that much,only a little. but i think it kept feeding me and i kept on growing.

Abraham waited decades for his answer to prayer, and I remember thinking I didn't want to have to do that, but I told myself it didn't matter, my life and my being was God's and if for some reason he would make me wait that long i would do so. I bet Abraham wanted to spend his youth running and playing and wrestling with his kid. He didn't get that, but he did still get the kid.
It was definitely not that longfor me.It was years but not decades. Also I have found since that more healing is needed of the wounds that made it possible for me to be tempted that way. I am still healing, but I have still been walking free, as in, without any same sex attractions and in my case also having opposite sex attractions, for along time despite those wounds. Don't get discouraged by seeing a new pile of wounds you never realized you had that need healing. It doesn't absolutely guarantee a delay in your answer. However, having the wounds exposed may still be part of God's work in freeing you...

Its like a metaphor Corrie ten Boom used to use: she showed a cross-stitch she was doing and showed the back side, which looked a mess. she said "Life is like a weaving between my god and me. He sees the upper,"  she showed the front of the cross stitch" "and I, the underside." then she showed the back/bottom again, which looked like a tangle mess of crazy threads going this way and that way.
Everybody has that problem, it just comes in many forms. Some people its crippling disease, for some people its a temptation for some kind of sin, some people it is poverty, or crazy relatives. For some people, its a war torn and starving country! Or combination of these things. Never let the enemy make you feel isolated, like this temptation makes you different from others who don't experience it. all of us are different, but all of is are the same. just keep walking, knowing who He said you are, and stick to that.

Don't give up. It is not who you are. We all do get to decide who we want to be and what direction we want our life and thinking to go. And God never makes carry anything alone, He's there and there are others even if you just don't see it right now.
Godspeed.
Btw, Just to make sure there is no confusion, I did not use any "reparative therapy" and I definitely do not endorse that.
~Mother Star

Keep on walking in the light that you have. As the sun rises, more will be seen. But stay on the road you must travel until you reach your destination, whether the journey be short, or lengthy.

Is Mother Star an "Ex-Gay"? No.

I am not "ex-gay" I am not "ex-bi" I am not "ex-"anything because who and what I am have absolutely nothing to do with anything I have ever been tempted to do, ever thought, or ever done.
Rejecting the identity I used to have for myself is about being true to myself, the real me, the God-created me that is always there and that I am continually growing into and becoming in so many ways. Actually, its happening in ALL ways, not just in the area of sexuality.

I did not and do not go around all day name-it-claim-it-blab-it-grab-it-ing heterosexual temptations and interests into my life. If that helps you, go for it, if not than don't.

If at some point, for a brief time or for longer, homosexual temptations begin to resurface, that doesn't mean you are losing anything, it means you are being tempted. Thats all there is to it.
Temptations do not make a person who they are. I had a homosexual urge very strong and unexpected about two or three years ago, triggered by a video I had seen many times and that had no sexual content in it, just a lady playing guitar. I had never had that response to it before. I looked away, prayed and looked back. I still felt the same way. I actually threw a towel over it and thought, "this is ridiculous..." and I prayed and asked God what to do and felt he was saying I needed to make a decision. Do I believe in who I am or not?
Well, I usually do not advocate talking much TO the devil, because he doesn't deserve it. Say be gone in the name of Jesus and that's it. So, instead I said, "I don't know why you are able to do this to me, but I know its from you and not me. I choose not to care if I still feel like this again for years, I KNOW WHO I AM. And THAT ISN"T IT! Period." I did not say that just in an effort to make the temptations go away, like "abra cadabra, battle is all finished and out of my face" or "if I say this, than it will stop" or "If I say this than I won't 'change back' and be gay or bi again" or any such. I *didn't* actually know if it would stop if I said that, and I didn't care. I chose not to care, like it was a decision. I meant exactly what I said. I knew what I believed about who I was, I knew he was attacking that, like sometimes he will attack your faith in God, your belief in your call, or in somebody you are close to, or your finances or whatever. He was attacking my identity, but his attacks did not have the power to change it, or even merely what I believed about it, without my agreement/consent. I was determined not to give in, regardless of how long the attack should last. I actively decided also not to even think about length of time it might last and get worried if I could fight that long. Just think "No." End of story.
I removed the towel and went on watching the video, steeled inside to endure whatever attacks, because there was no way I was going to be running away from attacks endlessly and perhaps end up cooped up in the house looking at nothing for however long. Why should I? Those temptations had no real power, not unless I gave it that power and I intended not to.

Well, when I took off the towel and turned the vid back on, everything was back to normal and the attack was over.
He was testing me when he knew I was weak due to having lost pretty much everything I had over the year or two leading up to that moment, and due to being sick and snowed in and unable to get through the weather to church for two or three weeks in a row. I was hurting, I had no idea where it was all going to end, or where I went wrong - if I did - to end up that way and etc. I was broken in very many ways, but my faith was not and my will was not. I was down, but not out. I guess that was what I was being checked for, to see if I was still alive in there, or If I was done with and defeated - or at least defeatable... By God's grace, I was not.
By God's grace I never will be, and sexual sins are not the only things that applies to, just one of many.
DO I know for sure I will never ever be tested again? No. I don't care either. I know who I am, and that is all I need to know about the subject.
Godspeed.
~Mother Star

Answers to Yesterday's Challenge

The song "Gloria" is about war. Its all about the glamorizing of large-scale armed conflict. It's supposed to be celebrating the numerous wars their ancestors fought in. Kind of like if Catholics wrote a bunch of tunes celebrating the crusades.... Probably nobody really needs that kind of thing.
Some of the imagery in the official videos degrades women, as do some of the lyrics sometimes.

Google translate's rendering of the lyrics is below. Remember, other languages are often structured very differently than ours. Google translate doesn't always do a good job with that; it often just does the individual words. You might have to look at it like "unscramble the words and find out what these people are talking about." But you can get an idea.


The songs of women and young men
in the clear shield is eternal
Report on the lips of our compatriots
scars he has been battling

Stand-do honor
name and sing
when a man bears kruunuaan
kingdom shoulders

Whispers dozens dying
he will hear from corpses
Provides a blessing earth
for weighing takes the gods

Kai guessed that hour, but
for the rest of the country will go the
So, once the, I guess the last
will he stand up in the saddle

Gods know it
I have lived according to the rules of honor
Any decision to change I
any street can not herald the right

Damn the day of its
when I fall down arrows to the enemy
I have shown you the way
it keep going when I no longer able to do

Wash the blood from his face
body carry your home
deeds tell
and the name of the stone cut down


Jeesus on Herra is a worship song, I would say.
Google translate's rendering of the lyrics is below.




Only You Lord, only You Lord, I love only you, my Lord.

You get the power, now confess that Jesus is Lord.
She is!

Hello there!
Why do not I do as You Want, if I love you so much?
Hello there!
Why I'm not going as You Want, if Sua praise and worship?

There is a really good video of Johanna's testimony on youtube as well.



So, how did you do?

Godspeed.

~Mother Star

If You Cant Do Something Helpful, Please Don't Do Anything At All

On my facebook page, I am in a lot of so-called "ex-gay" related groups. There are a lot of pharisee types on there and I often feel that they are there to use our testimonies to justify their unhelpful behavior.

Since there are indeed false accusations flying at our faith community for "discrimination" it is very important not to tolerate genuinely discriminatory behavior.
Some people are SOOOOO angry, and not at the devil.
It is hard not to get angry back.
I mentioned some cases of genuinely discriminatory behavior by Christians, and non-faith-related attacks on self-identified homosexuals for being "homosexuals" that are in fact even violent. They said in reply, "No one is trying to prove that adultery is inborn, or holding adultery pride parades. For every action, there is an equal reaction." And I lost it. I think I made some good points, but fury probably still showed up in there...*sigh* I need to work on that.

Some of the articles that get posted are run on conservative news sites and people share them. They have some truth in them but they put it in a way that does not make it clear that there is a person in there being assaulted by the enemy, and whom we are supposed to care about. It's embarrassing.
I said, "Your job is to share the love and redemptive power of Christ with people. How did you plan to do that for the people in that article?
How did you find the Lord? Was it because people showed you all the ways you were sinning, or was there something else? If you feel anger or resentment toward the people in that article, then this isn't the place for you. There are other major issues right now, and all of them are urgent. Homelessness is one, you might consider volunteering in a shelter or some other thing. You need to find what you are called to bring the light into. If you do not feel a burden and a sadness for people from whom the enemy has stolen such a major part of their identity, or if you feel any resentment or anger, I assure you that this is not it."
Or something like that.

On the up side, I criticized this one article about a boy named Josh Alcorn who suffered from Gender Identity Disorder (GID) who committed suicide, and they took the article down. I agree our community should address that situation, but there are so many people who have never dealt with it themselves, are there looking for ammunition, and have a really bad attitude. The article had some truth in it, but anger at the boy who died was still very strongly evident in it. they opened it talking about how selfish suicide is, which is true, and how the way he did it was so much more selfish than suicide usually is, which was true. However, if you are writing to argue that the Christian community is not without compassion for people with gender identity disorder, that is not the best way to start. There was a lot of blistering right-wing rhetoric in it, which is not useful for demonstrating that you have compassion for the person either. etc. When you are talking about a recent suicide, or someone who recently died period, ranting about the person's sinfulness and selfishness is neither helpful nor appropriate. When your movement is in the hot-seat for a lack of compassion and for crapping on the person for their sins, and is thus being blamed for the suicide, and the article is supposed to be a rebuttal, it is totally shooting yourself in the foot to do all that (that's on top of being inappropriate in the first place). I hope my remarks may have actually played a roll in its removal.

Most of the actual "ex-gay" (I HATE that term. It gives the devil too much credit) people post bible verses and encouraging things, or answer questions of those who ask for help, or just post pictures with words of praise to God. I seem to be the fire-starter who takes the pharisee types and the sexist people to task even multiple times in a day... It has to be done, and so far I'm the only one I see doing much of it. Not sure how I feel about this situation...

On the Need for Love

Well, I just celebrated Christmas with my "family."
My biological family is no where near me ,and - while I still care about them - I definitely intend to keep it that way.
I have hated Christmas for years. Ever since my grandma became ill when I was around seven years old, the whole holiday season from Thanksgiving through New years went downhill. Until now.
Grandma's death, my parents' divorce, my grandfather's re-marriage, my maternal Grandmother's dementia, later more deaths, estrangements and a singularly unfortunate remarriage, eventually took me essentially to the point where I have no "family", as such.
Until now?
My friend Matt's family has sort of adopted me.
So today I played with my adopted nieces and hung out with my adopted family in-law and my sort of surrogate ma and pop.

They gave me three presents, which I did not care as much about as getting to be there and hangout with everybody, and being wanted there.
They did not care that I had nothing to give them, I did not have to make excuses. My presence was enough. I did not have to be told, I knew it. I never thought that would happen again.
My blood family is not like that, entirely.
No one talked about anything awful, except maybe me at one point, and it was mild compared to the unpleasantness my relatives would likely hash out. It was a nice, innocent, drama-free Christmas. A lot of us were mildly ill, including me, but it was still fun.

A picture taken by my sort of adopted sister-on-law

Many years were spent going on about how I stood alone and needed no one, as I had learned to survive that way.

I had a clear shot at a great job closer to my blood relatives that paid very well. I liked it. But I needed to be nearer to people who cared about me. Even though I am again stuck in the no.2 most declining economy in the nation, I am still happy to be here because there is hope,and here there are people who actually love me and are also healthy enough to know how.

At the end of your life, what will be most important to you? Your bank account and assets, or moments like these? For me, I know the economics will turn around. My dreams can and will be pursued and hopefully won. The main reason I am happy though is not about career or education or resources. What really brought me to IL and keeps me returning here is the need for love.
A need I am no longer afraid to acknowledge that I have.

Godspeed.

~Mother Star

Psalm 68:6 "God sets the lonely in families, he leads the prisoners out with singing..."