Living With and
Overcoming Disability – Matthew's Story
“Eye-contact was dramatically bigger than all the other adaptations I have had to learn, combined.”
Matthew is 33 years old
and has Asberger's syndrome. We sat in his basement apartment in
Decatur IL, one of us on each end of a long, low table. It consisted
of a long piece of plywood with short stacks of full filing boxes
situated at either end. Scattered across the table were the various
components of a computer he had dismantled and was working on.One of the earliest warning signs of any kind of autism is avoiding eye-contact. Other things that frequently happen with Asberger's syndrome include becoming fixated on something and finding it impossible to distract from it. In Matthew's case, this can happen to the point that he does not absorb stimuli that are not related to, or that detract from, whatever he is fixated on. Also, he says there are certain thongs he has trouble absorbing and processing information about – such as modifying his behavior in social situations. He said eye-contact was never distressing, he merely saw no point in it. He only made eye-contact periodically, to read expressions. He realized eye contact was important some time in High School. He does not recall how he realized this, it could have been something he read online about job interviews, or perhaps he had been told about it enough times to internalize it. It may have been a combination of those factors.
He began attempting to make more eye-contact. However, he did not understand the important nuances associated with it. Therefore, over time, “I turned every conversation into a staring contest.” He interpreted negative reactions to mean “insufficient eye-contact” because he had so much trouble taking in that type of information. So he would work harder to make more eye-contact. He told me, as I wrote notes, that the excess became so extreme “I would be right next to your chair now, with my head practically between you and your notebook, trying to maintain eye-contact.” Over time, he thinks at least a year or two, he was rebuked enough times that “it sank in.” The negative feedback eventually overwhelmed enough that he processed the message.
Next, Matthew sat in cafes and other public places to watch conversations, trying to be inconspicuous and learn the rules of eye-contact. “Looking back, I think I probably creeped a lot of people out very badly... I used to 'be inconspicuous' very conspicuously.” He says it took three months before he saw any pattern at all, noting that identifying patterns is usually his strong suit. As soon as he could perceive any sort of pattern, he began using it. By this time,he knew that that eye-contact requirements vary between conversations and throughout conversations, but had no idea how these variations worked. After several years, he learned multiple patterns to use in different conversational situations.
For Matthew, social interaction was always exhausting. Splitting attention between his new eye-contact patterns and the normal demands of socializing multiplied this burden. He became even less inclined to interact. Nevertheless, Matthew stopped consciously using eye-contact patterns in his mid-twenties; they had become ingrained.
He has paid closer attention to his eye-contact recently, and found that he no longer uses the same patterns. During the interview, I saw nothing unusual in his eye-contact behavior, and I assured him of this. He likens the situation to people gifted to learn languages by immersion, versus the average person who must study the language first and later become fluent through immersion. Most people learn eye contact by immersion, but he had to learn some rules first, then finish off with immersion.
Whether this is typical of all or even some Asberger's patients, is unknown. One thing is clear: Matthew's hard work has certainly paid off. Most people may never invest themselves as much in overcoming their challenges, and stories such as this one are an inspiration to us all.
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