NEVER! GIVE!UP! - Knowing that You Have Value

I was  raised Republican. I am still not a Democrat, though I am no longer a Republican either.
Therefore, being out of work for an extended period and having to use assistance to survive is VERY demoralizing and makes me feel useless and like a parasite. Applying and sometimes interviewing and getting no calls makes me feel useless, as if I can't do any better than be a parasite. I can understand why losing a job drives some people to suicide, I felt suicidal over such things in the past. This time, not so much, as I have had so much more hope all the way through this than any other time I was out of work, plus I have people in my life that consistently show me I have value in spite of it, which has not always been the case.

My roommate, who is disabled due to Asperger's syndrome, says that even though he is having to pay almost everything right now out of his limited disability income, his life is still improved since I returned. He was, as he put it, "stagnating" while I was in MI, because he saw no prospects or hope for his life. He was gradually giving up and reverting to just amusing himself and passing the time till he dies - what a horrible feeling! Now, in spite of these obstacles, he does have hope and something to reach for.

My teaching him to drive goes a long way. Scrap metal is, according to his calculations, a perfectly viable way for him to survive. Once he has access to a truck, the possibility of putting disability income behind him and earning his own living - a dream that has often seemed impossible - will be within reach. If he has that to fall back on, PT or FT or temporary jobs will no longer be a risk, because he cannot be "cut off" from scrap metal for working elsewhere, and it will still be there whether or not working for others pans out. This is particularly true once he gets his driving license and his own truck. He tells me all the time that unemployment is at least connected to something that I have worked for and earned, whereas he has to psychologically cope with "you can't earn a living for yourself". That, of course, will likely change pretty soon.

I feel dependent when I am working too, because at any moment a change in the winds for the employer can spell disaster for me, as it recently has, and there will be nothing I can do about it. I "depend" on them and the future is incalculable. I, like Matthew, long to make my own way in life and put assistance from these programs behind me for good. Self employment is my dream, in combination with very self-sufficient (and markedly less costly) "Green" living. Since I was a teen I was expecting a collapse, and have been learning about self-sufficiency and homesteading and other ways to shield ones self from that.

Scrap metal is not, for me, a longterm prospect right now but on the short term it can be "insurance" against unemployment. In Decatur, there are a lot of people doing scrap metal because we have a metal recycling center in town. Plus, with the economy here doing so bad, and continually declining for so long, everybody is looking for alternatives to "a job" because jobs are scarce. At some point, even that becomes somewhat competitive in a place like this but so far it has not caused us a problem.

In our neighborhood, most houses are rentals, so landlords are always throwing things away. We have gotten a lot of mattresses and box springs and other furniture that we have dismantled for wood and metal. Without my car, we have no way to take it in, but we still collect it, especially Matthew. By the time the truck is in the driveway, we might even be able to totally fill it, who knows?

I will be going to RCC tomorrow, I hope, to register for classes. I am very concerned about all the things that can still go wrong, but on the whole I am hopeful. I will just have to take better care of myself so I will not become sick so much as I did before. Getting something better to drive plays a role in that too, as it means there will be no walking long distances in bad, freezing weather like I did last time I went there. As it is, I am fighting a sinus infection. I am resting today so that tomorrow, hopefully, I will be up to the possible 4+ hours in the waiting area to talk to the people I must talk to and fill out papers, etc.

In school before, I severely neglected myself in the name of saving money and limiting debt. That did not serve me well in the end. I will remember that and learn from it, and make myself a higher priority this time. I just need to remember that I am worth it.

Please remember that you are worth it too.

I think this is DuBourg Hall at SLU, one of the biggest disappointments of my life.
This time, I will not need to transfer to a new school to finish my degree, it is only a two-year program. Doing it right the second time around.

Godspeed.

~Mother Star

Living with and Overcoming Disability - Matthew's Story

A feature article I wrote for a class. :)

Living With and Overcoming Disability – Matthew's Story

“Eye-contact was dramatically bigger than all the other adaptations I have had to learn, combined.”

Matthew is 33 years old and has Asberger's syndrome. We sat in his basement apartment in Decatur IL, one of us on each end of a long, low table. It consisted of a long piece of plywood with short stacks of full filing boxes situated at either end. Scattered across the table were the various components of a computer he had dismantled and was working on.
One of the earliest warning signs of any kind of autism is avoiding eye-contact. Other things that frequently happen with Asberger's syndrome include becoming fixated on something and finding it impossible to distract from it. In Matthew's case, this can happen to the point that he does not absorb stimuli that are not related to, or that detract from, whatever he is fixated on. Also, he says there are certain thongs he has trouble absorbing and processing information about – such as modifying his behavior in social situations. He said eye-contact was never distressing, he merely saw no point in it. He only made eye-contact periodically, to read expressions. He realized eye contact was important some time in High School. He does not recall how he realized this, it could have been something he read online about job interviews, or perhaps he had been told about it enough times to internalize it. It may have been a combination of those factors.
He began attempting to make more eye-contact. However, he did not understand the important nuances associated with it. Therefore, over time, “I turned every conversation into a staring contest.” He interpreted negative reactions to mean “insufficient eye-contact” because he had so much trouble taking in that type of information. So he would work harder to make more eye-contact. He told me, as I wrote notes, that the excess became so extreme “I would be right next to your chair now, with my head practically between you and your notebook, trying to maintain eye-contact.” Over time, he thinks at least a year or two, he was rebuked enough times that “it sank in.” The negative feedback eventually overwhelmed enough that he processed the message.
Next, Matthew sat in cafes and other public places to watch conversations, trying to be inconspicuous and learn the rules of eye-contact. “Looking back, I think I probably creeped a lot of people out very badly... I used to 'be inconspicuous' very conspicuously.” He says it took three months before he saw any pattern at all, noting that identifying patterns is usually his strong suit. As soon as he could perceive any sort of pattern, he began using it. By this time,he knew that that eye-contact requirements vary between conversations and throughout conversations, but had no idea how these variations worked. After several years, he learned multiple patterns to use in different conversational situations.



For Matthew, social interaction was always exhausting. Splitting attention between his new eye-contact patterns and the normal demands of socializing multiplied this burden. He became even less inclined to interact. Nevertheless, Matthew stopped consciously using eye-contact patterns in his mid-twenties; they had become ingrained.
He has paid closer attention to his eye-contact recently, and found that he no longer uses the same patterns. During the interview, I saw nothing unusual in his eye-contact behavior, and I assured him of this. He likens the situation to people gifted to learn languages by immersion, versus the average person who must study the language first and later become fluent through immersion. Most people learn eye contact by immersion, but he had to learn some rules first, then finish off with immersion.
Whether this is typical of all or even some Asberger's patients, is unknown. One thing is clear: Matthew's hard work has certainly paid off. Most people may never invest themselves as much in overcoming their challenges, and stories such as this one are an inspiration to us all.