Sometimes I Worry About Losing My Faith

"To him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy— 25 to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen."
Jude 1:24

Since it'sChristmas season, I thought now would be a good time to write about how the Christmas story and the whole story of Christ turns our deeply held concepts about "power" upside down. In the process, I am also working out an issue that a struggle with in my spiritual life.

I have been exposed to evolution teaching and many other kinds of teaching. It doesn't bother me one way or another.  If I accept the part of what they say that were convincing - not all of it was - and even if accept thestuffthat wasn't, it does not change anything of substance. I don't worship God because God made the world in six days by a certain method. I worship God because I have litarally seen miracles, because I have obeyed and seen it work, and disobeyed and seen it not work. I worship God because I have experienced God's grace and God's love first-hand. If I think the creation story is metaphoric, the important parts that alter how I live my life and believe the universe works are still there. My soul-realm (mind, emotions and will) does not cause me problems because of "science". My weakness is not found there. My weakness is found in the area of gender, and cross-cultural study. Satan always uses our gifts to try to destroy us.

I have been deeply blessed by exposure to matriarchal and matrilineal societies,indirectly. In a way, it feels like I have been cursed by it. Trying to present God to a culture like that, and in some ways to my own mind as I have changed through this education, becomes a challenge. I think part of it is that the biblical scholars on whom I rely for information have the same problem as traditional anthropologists - they are raised with patriarchy and it blinds them.

What constitutes "power"? What image comestoyour mind when you hear that word? Do you have an image
of something violent? Something or someone that you want on your side for physical reasons? Fear-based reasons? What do you believe "power" is?

The Minagkabau, a matrilieal culture in Indonesia, have a very different image of power than Wessterners and other traditionally patriarchal cultures do. Their name means "Victorious Buffalo" in their langage. The story behind it goes as follows:

The Javanese and the Minang had a battle of sorts overwho would control what is now Minang territory. The Javanese are patriarchal and more warlike than the Minang. The Javanese combatantwas a great Bull Buffalo,but theMinang had a very hungry baby Buffalo,withknoves affixed to its head. When the Minag's Baby Buffalo entered the combat zone, he or she darted under the Javanese Bull in search of nipples for nursing, which of course the Bull did not have. Because of the knives on it's head, itgored the Bull to death and won the battle without even understanding battle or intending to trying to win one.

The Baby Bull only did what nature programed it to do, it had no thought of battles or power or "glory." This story demonstrates a major underpinning of Minang worldview: out of weakness comes strength.
Naming themselves for the Victorious Baby Buffalo in this story keeps this philosophy tied to who they are,howthey identify themselves. Jesus,our saviour, did not come to save us swinging 5 ft. claymores, screaming battle cries, and dropping carcasses left and right. That is what many expected him to do. He came as a helpless baby. He was born into peril, and into a kind of slavery. He was born to an oppressed and subjugated minority teenager, in circumstances that could have easily been misconstrued and led to a lot more trouble.

Did Jesus saves by "kicking butt"? No. He saved us by giving his life for seemingly nothing. The tyrants did not fall, prisons didn't burst open and free everyone in them. The economic situation remained the same. No unjust laws were repealed. On the cross, He shouted, "I thirst," he was not too proud to make His needs known. The veil of the temple was torn, making it clear that something big was done. Saints who had died rose and spoke to many during that time. Yes, crazy things happened, but not the kind of things we are prone to worry about. The obvious miracles that day were not what we equate with success and power. If there is one thing our God is not, it is a chest-thumping, pig-headed, patriarchal-enculturated male on a power-trip. That is not the YHVH Jesus reveals to us.

When I measure power by the production and violence-based, patriarchal, Western way, Jesus is not very impressive. If I measure it the "matriarchal" (that word is kinda inaccurate about everybody it is applied to due the "arch" in it. They are not so hierarchical as we are) way, Jesus becomes incredibly awesome. This time of year, we celebrate a woman who accepted profound shame among her people though an "unplanned" pregnancy. We celebrate a relatively poor man who swallowed his pride and married her anyway, accepting the financial responsibility (because it was a patriarchy) for a baby that wasn't his. We mainly celebrate a baby born into terrible circumstances, who lived a hard, short earthly life, and died for us by torture and injustice. On the third day, He rose again. They all were willing to suffer whatever for God's will, which was to save us. This is the example we're supposed to follow, and and the priorities we are supposed to measure our lives by.

In being directly opposed to our image of power and how it functions or can be measured, the Minang worldview is actually probably one step closer to the God we at least say that we serve. The problem arises when I read Scripture about how this society runs its home and how their different worldview leads them to organize their society. It actually works well and has provided them mellinia  of stability, but flies in the face of the way I am told God wants family life ordered. The image of abig umbrella with Jesus' name on it,followedby a smaller umbrella that says husband/father, and another smaller one below it that says "Wife/mother" and etc. Is where I have problems. I really don't believe it. Most of the scripture people use to support that, I can see how it could mean something else, but I don'tseehowIcoudserve a God who institutes an less functional and senseless system

I sometimes worry that,through studying these things I will become so alienated from the patriarchal-thinking church leaders, freinds and elders I know and end up unable to recieve encouragement from anybody's messages, unable to minister to anyone around me, and and end up losing my faith.

How to save the world - or at least get it started

Well, I think I have a game plan for saving the world, at least with regard to peak oil.
It will cause less need for oil fuel in several ways, as well as reducing dependance on coal and multi-national power companies.



Alcohol can be a gas, portable gas stations, Hammond IN and St. Louis, and all around periphery of IL, especially near Chicago land.  Fight fake biofuel producers through undercutting. Let people know about permaculture, the laws, and the difference between ADM and real biofuel.
Prob do same thing in and around NYC as much as possible, and also L.A. which has already been impacted by homemade alcohol movements.



Get into real estate investment and make houses as ecological as possible,
Put solar,wind, etc on them and rent them until solar pays for itself before selling houses and going on to next ones. Put food forests on as many as possible. Passive solar sunspaces or greenhouses attached to as many as possible, especially in cold climates. Try to focus on section 8 type neighborhoods and get houses cleared for section 8.

Advertise on craigslist in the headlines that there is renewable energy generation on it. Focus on one city or neighborhood at a time. Go until other investors start doing same thing in area, or until run out of suitable houses, then go on to other town/neighborhood.
Other investors may (hopefully will) eventually have to start adding renewables in order to stay competitive, because renters will want the advantages of the lower power bills. This will either lead to being able to start working in different area,or to more local investors selling their properties for a song because they cannot compete in the market.

In time, having more homes producing their own energy will cause the energy costs in the region to go down, because demand will decrease. Programs to help people pay their power bills, or "flat rate"programs may become unnecessary for more people in area. If people get small checks in the mail instead of bills, they may start trying to conserve power in order to get paid more,causing even more reduction in demand for power plant energy.

As more low income people see the benefits of permuculture and food forests,it could spark interest,leading to demand for classes and workshops. If they are allowed to sell the produce from the food forests if they live on the property,they could be more capable of paying their part of the rent (assuming section 8). This could then lead to legal and beneficial product (healthy food) being sold on street increasing access to healthy food in these communities. Fruit and nut trees could be especially valuable in this.

When giving workshops,make people aware of laws that stand in way of permaculture takeover (E.G.gray water systems), and explain how to lobby for change (give contact info for state and local officials).

When community has fuel issues being addressed through community lobbying or better, when investors are adding renewable energy sources to rentals, and prepared groups are working on food forests, relocate to other region or shift focus to other neighborhood.


In case someone if totally confused, here is a link to a free online intro class on permaculture
https://www.openpermaculture.com

Lessons from The Hunger Games Part 1

If somebody put real Hunger Games on tv or a webcast, would you watch it? Would you feed the monster and help it grow?

Suzanne Collins put, in my opinion, an allegory to our time in a book and on a screen. Ironically, it may only be lost in the mix of media messages for most people.I offer some thoughts on how the world of The Hunger Games is really parallel to our own. There are a lot of questions here to ask yourself, I am not really looking for people to give me their answers, some of these are quite personal. Just answer them to your God and yourself.



In the beginning, the game master, who has presumably climbed the ladder to that position over years, expresses how he rationalizes what he does. "It knits us all together," So the Hunger Games knit the people on Panem together, At what cost?
Whatever psychological positives Panem experienced with the games, the negatives were by far worse. They were "knit together" by the loss of their children, They were bound together by the fear it could be them, or a sibling, or a friend next. time. "Knit together" by the nagging possibility that it could be one of their children next year, When theyhad achild, theylived with the possibility tht child could be ripped from them and sent to the Hunger Games to - more than likely - die in pain and terror on live TV. Yes, strong bonds can form through tragedy, but that is no reason to deliberately put people, or oneself through tragedy.
The Lesson: What are you part of that you shouldn't be? What do you have to justify and rationalize in order to be a part of, perhaps to keep your job, a relationship or an identity? In what areas do you need to revolt?

Ellie was much the same as the game master. She stood before a crowd of people, mostly children, two of whom were about to be basically sentenced to death, at random, when she pulled their name out of a bowl. She lied to herself, and to all who saw her, by putting on a grand show, smiling and speaking as if it was a drawing for a grand prize. She saw a little girl screaming for her sister and a tearful sacrificing of one life for another. She smiled, looked on, made up a way to save face, and continued on with her act.
The Lesson: Is there anything in your environment you are intentionally ignoring? Is there anyone whose pain you justify by not looking at it? What about your own?

"May the odds be ever in your favor," Catchphrase. A tradition, "Culture," Something familiar. A joke, but powerful because of the emotions attached. It binds people together in the worst way, It binds people together on denial, in oppression, and in a type of willful, active complacency. They know the odds are never in anyone's favor. They know this show is an atrocity, they know there are victims living in the very same town.
The Lesson: What traditions do you need to question? What cliches do you need to stop being attached to and begin to move on from?

"They just want a good show."
The Lesson: What are we complicit with, in the name of receiving a "good show?"
Anorexia, emotional abuse, ravages on our own and others self-esteem, Brainwashing, sucked into a world of material obsession, and shallow standards passed off to us as "what we really need," by advertisers. Are you waiting for pop culture to change,and complaining about it,while continuing to consume it? Are you looking in the mirror hating what you see, reading all the magazines,wishing you were rich so you could buy all the junk to"fix" your perceived flaws off the shelves? Are you sizing up people around you by those standards? If so, Panem's not as mythical as you think - you live there.
Another Lesson: Who knows what kind of undue pressure we help place on the of entertainers who are far to young to be able to process it? How many child stars need to have breakdowns, before we realize the price they pay for our amusement? I want to see the day we can get used to having the children in shows be played by animation, like a lot of animals are now. No more Miley, Cyruses or Jonathan Brandises (he committed suicide) please.

"Crystal Chandeliers" Ellie seems to shift her focus to the pampering the kids get while they are awaiting their nearly certain death. What's pampering you to death? An abusive boyfriend? A drug dealer? How about a boss who is never actually going to promote you for the sacrifices you make? A lifestyle you know is wrong but are not repenting of anyway? Maybe a job that gives you tons of money and "stuff" while keeping you from your children or your life purpose? A credit card you can't put down, and soon will not be able to payoff? Panem's deception comes in many forms in modern life. Be honest and check your own.

"I understand what you're saying, I just can't afford to think like that."
What are you complicit with? What do you need to reevaluate. Anything? How certain are you about that answer, if you thought of one? Turning from some of these things is not to be taken lightly, any more than facing down the juggernaut of Panem's ruling elite was for Katniss, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be done.


More to come.
Godspeed

Living with and Overcoming Disability - Matthew's Story

A feature article I wrote for a class. :)

Living With and Overcoming Disability – Matthew's Story

“Eye-contact was dramatically bigger than all the other adaptations I have had to learn, combined.”

Matthew is 33 years old and has Asberger's syndrome. We sat in his basement apartment in Decatur IL, one of us on each end of a long, low table. It consisted of a long piece of plywood with short stacks of full filing boxes situated at either end. Scattered across the table were the various components of a computer he had dismantled and was working on.
One of the earliest warning signs of any kind of autism is avoiding eye-contact. Other things that frequently happen with Asberger's syndrome include becoming fixated on something and finding it impossible to distract from it. In Matthew's case, this can happen to the point that he does not absorb stimuli that are not related to, or that detract from, whatever he is fixated on. Also, he says there are certain thongs he has trouble absorbing and processing information about – such as modifying his behavior in social situations. He said eye-contact was never distressing, he merely saw no point in it. He only made eye-contact periodically, to read expressions. He realized eye contact was important some time in High School. He does not recall how he realized this, it could have been something he read online about job interviews, or perhaps he had been told about it enough times to internalize it. It may have been a combination of those factors.
He began attempting to make more eye-contact. However, he did not understand the important nuances associated with it. Therefore, over time, “I turned every conversation into a staring contest.” He interpreted negative reactions to mean “insufficient eye-contact” because he had so much trouble taking in that type of information. So he would work harder to make more eye-contact. He told me, as I wrote notes, that the excess became so extreme “I would be right next to your chair now, with my head practically between you and your notebook, trying to maintain eye-contact.” Over time, he thinks at least a year or two, he was rebuked enough times that “it sank in.” The negative feedback eventually overwhelmed enough that he processed the message.
Next, Matthew sat in cafes and other public places to watch conversations, trying to be inconspicuous and learn the rules of eye-contact. “Looking back, I think I probably creeped a lot of people out very badly... I used to 'be inconspicuous' very conspicuously.” He says it took three months before he saw any pattern at all, noting that identifying patterns is usually his strong suit. As soon as he could perceive any sort of pattern, he began using it. By this time,he knew that that eye-contact requirements vary between conversations and throughout conversations, but had no idea how these variations worked. After several years, he learned multiple patterns to use in different conversational situations.



For Matthew, social interaction was always exhausting. Splitting attention between his new eye-contact patterns and the normal demands of socializing multiplied this burden. He became even less inclined to interact. Nevertheless, Matthew stopped consciously using eye-contact patterns in his mid-twenties; they had become ingrained.
He has paid closer attention to his eye-contact recently, and found that he no longer uses the same patterns. During the interview, I saw nothing unusual in his eye-contact behavior, and I assured him of this. He likens the situation to people gifted to learn languages by immersion, versus the average person who must study the language first and later become fluent through immersion. Most people learn eye contact by immersion, but he had to learn some rules first, then finish off with immersion.
Whether this is typical of all or even some Asberger's patients, is unknown. One thing is clear: Matthew's hard work has certainly paid off. Most people may never invest themselves as much in overcoming their challenges, and stories such as this one are an inspiration to us all.

NEVER! GIVE! UP! Pt. 6: Turning the Corner at 90 mph (180 kph)

Aggravations, aggravations! By the grace of God, I will get through it.

Doing some freelance writing, and the last few weeks have really been a learning experience.

On the upside, I actually advanced to level 2 on the freelancing site I currently use. I worked two jobs through elance.com last week. As a result, I now have two 5-star ratings as you can see in the image. I am still working with one of the clients, but we are not involving elance.com for the other jobs. I wrote a total of six articles for her last week. The other elance.com job was for an academic paper, which I now suspect was probably turned in for a grade, but I hope not.

I found out that this business can be really dirty. Someone hired a freelance writer - the first client I talked about - to fix their Master's Thesis for them. This was not just proof reading either, I mean some actual writing and re-writing involved. Academic plagiarism, punishable by expulsion from any college there is. Well, my client offered that task to me, but I turned it down. It was way too much work to do in the 16 hours before the deadline, plus it was dishonest. I said nothing about the dishonest part, but should have because the very next day I had to turn down a butt-load of similar things. This is mid-terms season, so a lot of papers are due very soon. It was very tempting because the first of those jobs would have covered most my existing bills for this month, plus there was more work where that came from! It was very hard, but I said no. I realize I was very naive to think "academic writing" could be anything but plagiarizing college papers when it is listed as a skill for a freelance writer. Yea, I can do it, but I won't. I probably did do one of those, but now I am not so naive. I wised up and took that skill off of my elance.com profile and told my client that I don't feel comfortable doing those jobs. The client is still happy to work with me, thankfully.

I am brushing up my grammar skills, working on learning to touch-type, and taking an MOOC journalism class. I ordered some books from the library on journalism too, in order to pass an elance.com skill test for article writing. I am already writing articles, but having the test result on my profile will help, and they test knowledge of journalism terms and writing techniques. I have never been exposed to journalism save as a consumer,so I flunked that test and it is not showing on my profile. You have to at least test average for a skill to be posted on your profile. I passed the skill tests for English grammar and the English language and for creative writing with above average scores. I still want to improve the scores you see here, and have plans for how to do so. I also passed some others with an average score, but average is not good enough to post on the profile either, in my book. I will be studying up on spelling too, to be able to test and show I can do it with excellence.

Graphic art classes would add another $50 monthly bill, and that is actually not OK right now. However, I can focus on writing until it is time to return to the factory - or better yet, expand into graphic art and other things I enjoy doing because I get successful enough at writing to be able to afford that. I already made enough to knock unemployment out last week, though I made nothing so far this week.

On the down side, Elance.com put a hold on my account. I've been working on that mess for almost two weeks now. I can still work, and the pay is still deposited into my elance account, but I cannot withdraw any of it. They wanted me to update my w-9, but would not let me do so because they had the old address on file. A computer bug wasn't letting me change the address on file, and that issue was sent clear up to the guys who write code. The address is changed now, my W-9 is updated, but the hold is still there. They said I had to respond to something after updating the w-9 for the hold to be removed, but there was nothing to respond to, so the customer service guys sent that back up to the finance department again today.

Aside from all of that, Exact Staff, the temp company I was working for, found me another assignment. They are sending me to Springfield, an hour S-W of here, for a 1-day job 6 hours long. I had an orientation in their office, which is an hour N-W of here, last week. It was supposed to be paid, but was not. They gave me paper time sheets, which I just recently realized I will have to take to their office in person to turn in - 1 hour to the job, then 2 hours to Exact Staff 6 hours later, and 1 hour back home. That's for a total of $66. I spent $20 getting to the orientation they did not pay me for. It will be another $40, approximately, on the day. The orientation was rescheduled once at the last minute and I spent $20 driving all the way out there for nothing once too. Thus it will be around $80 in total expenses for $66 gross pay. The only good thing about it is, after that, I can re-apply for unemployment if my writing stuff doesn't pick back up soon enough. This probably demonstrates more reasons why I would rather work for myself than for about anyone else. Working for temp companies is a nightmare.  [NOTE: I do apply for other jobs close by, but this time of year in this area, there are almost no positions open and likely will not be until Spring. That's pretty much normal here.]

It is very difficult for me sometimes to psychologically handle the unpleasant things and the disappointments I must face. There are things in the works that will help more soon though, and clients are already interested - albeit usually for small amounts of money right now. Last year at this time, my "small amounts of money" for articles was $1.50 - $3.00, now it is $10 - $20+for each. Last year I did two or three in as many months on mechanical turk,where I had no direct contact with the client and no no rating or anything to show for it, or to build a reputation. Now I actually have one business relationship sprouting. I have reason to think I can be free of unemployment and essential slavery to Exact Staff, e.g. these miserably expensive short jobs, within the next few weeks. Right now, I am working on a project that could get published in MY name for a change, if it gets accepted, and on building skills to do better in freelance writing and to attract more/better clients. What I do for Exact Staff tomorrow will make it possible to get my unemployment reinstated, and then I will have some means to get passed this little learning curve.

Whew! God has gotten me through so much the past year, and I know he can also solve all of this. More promise now than ever, with all these great new freelancing developments. It's just these blasted bumps along the road, they can be pretty jarring. I can ride them out, and I will.

 Godspeed

I Pledge Allegiance to NO Flag

This is probably the most controversial thing I have ever posted, that I can think of, but it's from the heart, so here it is: 

I pledge allegiance to no flag. To no country. To no ethnicity. To no single tribe.
I pledge allegiance to the work of God, to the cross that destroyed the significance of every division except one - do you follow Jesus, or do you not?

I have no enemy except one: Satan, the adversary of all.

On paper, I am an American. I was born in what is called America. I speak English and (unfortunately) only English right now.
I was born in Niles, MI. I was raised in South Bend, IN. I lived in a neighborhood of predominantly black-skinned people, but my skin is white. The neighborhood was full of drugs, gangs, violence, racism... The schools were dangerous and featured metal detectors - this includes the elementary schools. Someone got killed in most of the local schools at least once a year. There was violence in the elementary as well as the high schools, to my understanding.

I was homeschooled and raised to be a right-wing, republican conservative - despite the fact that we were on food stamps. I thought everyone was on them. I really did not know what Republicans were, I thought they were just "the good people, the people who honor God and want to keep our nation free and close to God." Nevertheless, I voted third-party when turned 18.

I was led to think that the color black was absent from heaven, everything was white and gold. Gold was everywhere there. I asked my parents what our neighbors would look like in Heaven, and they didn't seem to know what to say. They seemed nervous...

These were my impressions of the world and the universe growing up (keep in mind I was a child internalizing things, not thinking for myself. This is absolutely not a reflection of where I stand now): I got the impression growing up that America was created by God to solve all the world's problems, that our founding fathers loved God, built our country according to God's design and God's word, ran it from its beginning according to His dictates just like the authors of scripture, and that was why he blessed us and made us powerful. We were powerful because we were the best, God said so and to disagree was to do the work of Satan. The country of Russia (this was the cold-war era) was not of God, was full of the devil and their government was established against God. They did not like us because our country and our leaders did what God said, and theirs were on Satan's team and didn't. They were about taking the world into darkness to be like them, and have no freedom and to destruction, and we were sent from God to make people free, just like Jesus.
God worked to make America because we were to hold his light up in a darkened world, show the world how life was really supposed to be lived and how God wanted things done, and we always fought to for the right and for His will in nations, to make others do what was right. "Indians" were bad people who did terrible things for a long time and God gave us their land just like He gave the land of Israel to Abraham's descendants, and for the same reasons.
God was our father, not our mother. God was a man, even though he wasn't. God really wasn't male or female but it was very important to call God "He," to do otherwise was heretical. Non-pentecostals/non-charismatics were wrong, their ideas were bad. Catholics were bad and wrong. Evangelicals were bad and wrong. Denominational churches were bad and wrong.... People who dressed funny were bad and wrong. People who listened to secular music were too. People who drank alcohol were going to hell, and if they said they were Christians, then they were deceived.

Black people - well there was a confusing topic. I heard that skin color didn't matter, AND the N-word out of the same mouths at different times - outrage against racism and outrage against other "races," depending on the mood of the speakers. It changed a lot. I wrestled with it a lot. As part of my home education, I watched the "Roots" saga, written by Alex Haley. Anti-racism won out, I think mostly because of that powerful show. We also watched "Dances with Wolves," (though not for school purposes) where I heard the other side of the "Indian" story, and I heard my parents complaining about how awful the things that happened were. My mom said she was ashamed of her skin color, all her street friends growing up were Mexican, Puerto Rican, and black. Never white, never Polish. She was really emotional at the end of that movie, often in tears, though it was still one of her favorites.
Eventually, My dad told me that His Mom's side of the family was part Cherokee. I WAS an Indian - kinda. I would have expected to be upset by that, because of the crap I thought, but instead it made me deeply happy and I did not know why. I think maybe the Holy Spirit within was happy to see an ugly attitude in me destroyed.

HOW could I walk around believing that our ancestors were saints who only did the will of God when I knew the story of slavery and segregation, and some of the atrocities committed against American Indians and the obvious sins and injustices thereof? I have no idea. Brain-washing, I guess. The "identity" I had as an American, and the history I knew clashed like crazy. The country I pledged allegiance to, with tears in my eyes and pride in my heart was an imaginary one, a place where God was always honored, where policies had always (until the 1960's, that is) reflected God's will and God's value of every person as equal, and God's respect for different people from all over. Meanwhile, I knew that my Grandfather, a first generation Polish immigrant, had been attacked and knocked off his bicycle while delivering the mail and beaten down very badly because he was a different ethnicity than his attackers. I knew all kinds of crass "Polack" jokes. I eventually came to understand those jokes were mean, and directed against my family - half of it anyway. I knew my mom grew up poor in a Polish neighborhood and her father had a served in WWII. He had a lot of trouble finding a job after he returned from the war and started a family, largely because he was Polish and had an accent. 

I saluted the red white and blue with tears in my eyes, thinking "There's a country who accepts everybody and takes people from every background, not caring where they came from and gave them a chance to be free and fulfill their destinies, no matter what obstacles have faced them before, this is a safe place, a place to be free . . . my country is like Jesus . . . I am a native of the ONLY country in the world, other than Israel in the Bible, that was actually MADE by God!" BOY was I proud. And WRONG. I should have known I was wrong, too. Evidence was all around me, right up in my face, all my life.

It's been a long journey and is a really long story, but I definitely do not believe "My country 'tis of God" anymore, at all. I don't think any country is. In the Bible, when God called a people to be his example (not Americans, btw, and this was the Old Testament), it was supposed to be for the redemption of the whole world. "A mixed multitude" left Egypt, evidently some Egyptians came to know God and followed him across the parted Red sea. Jonah was sent to a Gentile nation, and God rebuked him for his nationalism at the end, reminding him that he also made and cared for the Ninevites. Paul said his heritage as a Jew was dung to him, that he became as a Gentile to help Gentiles, and as a Jew to help other Jews. He said that none of it really mattered: there is no class, no race, no nation in God's view. In addition, God told the prophet Samuel that Israel desired a human king because they rejected His leadership, and in the message granting their request, He listed all the crappy things that would come with human rule. 

God works in all things, both good and bad. He has a perfect will and a permissive one. The permissive one is like when He granted Israel's request for a king,though it was not His perfect will. I believe all government has to do with God's permissive will. If people insist on following other people, or have no law on their heart to care for each other, they will get what they ask for, and He will continue to work in that situation as much as they're hardened hearts allow.

In a nutshell, I am an anarchist. I do not believe that human government is God's perfect plan for anybody. I do not believe in governments, or the borders they set and fight over, or the identities and pride/brainwashing they universally instill in children who grow up under their power.
Part of Satan's work in the world is to instill prejudice, to create factions. He gets you to think others are your enemy, instead of him being your real enemy. Then he gets you to hurt people, thinking you are doing something good. Thus, you do his work for him. Satan will point to what you did, after you swallow his garbage, and try to get people whom you call your enemy to focus on what you did, so that THEY will go and hurt "your" people "back'. He gets them into the same state of mind you were in when you hurt someone. Then you will see this "retaliation," and the whole process repeats. Pride is of the devil. Prejudice is of the devil. Divisions and factions and labels and stereotypes are of the devil.

If this image is copyrighted, please excuse. I don't recall where I got it. It's been in my PC for years.

In my view now, I am an American just like I am lower-class, was a "high risk" or "at risk" youth, a child of an alcoholic (that's why there was no alcohol, somebody couldn't handle it except to stay away from it, and he eventually went back to it for a season), or anything else. NONE of that is who I am. I pledge no allegiance to the ghetto, or to poverty, or to a dysfunctional family, or to white-ness. "American" means this is where I lived and how things were there, what I was exposed to, rules I did/did not have to follow, and who I was TOLD that I am. It is a situation, an aspect of my experience, a label placed on me that brings certain things to mind which may or may not fit how I actually am. It is not an identity. Some of the impact from that situation will be positive, some negative. I need to make the best of the positive and work on overcoming the negative, just like any other aspect of my experience. 

I am not a patriot. My Christianity does not lead me to defend any ideas about the history of where I live. God's will for this land or any other has NOTHING to do with how it got started or who started it or anything they said or did. I base my battles, my "politics", and/or anti-politics, on what I understand as God's will. That is NEVER going to include anything based on any human's actions or merits, because humans don't have any such merits. None of us ever have, or ever will. The history is not important except to understand how Satan has been working here, and how to resist him. In America, he has mainly worked through pride, greed, and illusions of moral superiority/entitlement. I know it is expected of me to have certain sentiments, commitment, and reverence, much like the reverence I have for God, towards a flag, a name, a set of man-made borders, and etc. I don't though. I can't do that anymore, because I do not believe that it is real/right. 

On the downside, sometimes I get unhealthily upset by "patriotic Christianity" (which I find to be almost an oxymoron), because I feel like Simba confronting Scar at the end of "The Lion King", when he said, "Everything you ever told me was a lie." That is the part I still need to deal with, it sometimes causes me to become like a faction unto myself. I am working on that.

The best I can do right now is, if you VERY STRONGLY feel that it is your duty before God to protect this "heritage" we're supposed to have had, and "fight for it", and diminish or gloss over deeply rooted problems with self-aggrandizing lies (E.G. Our founding fathers were saintly. Our country is made by God and has a heritage of righteousness, and therefore is entitled to 80% of the resources of all the world. Our forefathers did not commit genocide, they did not really steal any land. They were enormously righteous and just, and those who say otherwise are tools of Satan out to destroy our saintly heritage and tell us we aren't better than everyone else." like I was raised), and its part of your mission, plan, and core, I don't think we can work together. At least not right now. Otherwise, there is a good chance we can agree on SOMETHING and if so, I will try to work with you towards that.

NEVER! GIVE! UP! Pt. 5: "Sorrow Endures for the Night, but Joy Comes in the Morning"

Well, I had another really stressful adventure and it lasted only about 36 hours.
The temp service I was working for when I got laid off called me and asked me to do a one day thing on October 11th, and to come for the orientation on September 25th. A little while later, I went outside to go to the store and found THIS

We tried to air it up, but it was not holding any air at all. Even after a long time, there was no change whatsoever. I was actually very depressed that night, and did not want to see anybody. I waited until the sun came up the next day before pursuing the problem further.

The next morning, my roommate beat me outside and got the tire off. I came out and he showed me why it was not taking any air in. It was completely off the rim in the back. Completely!

Obviously, that is why it would not hold any air...

I thought I was doomed. I had no money to speak of, fixing and replacing tires is expensive. Unemployment was not coming until the day AFTER I was supposed to go to Champaign. I was thinking if I did not make it, and had to say I could not do it, that might count as refusing work. If it did, I would lose my unemployment and have ABSOLUTELY NO INCOME! Which was scary.

Fortunately, my roommate's dad knew how to put a tire on a rim. He had helped Matt put part of a tire back on a rim once. It turns out, all you have to do is have a strong enough air compressor. Matt's dad was not sure if he had a strong enough compressor or not.

He did!

Matt's mom picked us up on her way to somewhere and we took the tire to his parents house, ate some marvelous soup, and turned the air compressor up to max capacity of 100 psi. We put the nozzle to the tire... it popped right back out and, mostly, back onto the rim! Matt adjusted it so something would line up better and put the nozzle on it again. It popped the rest of the way out, fully on the rim after just a few seconds.

He left it on too long and overfilled it, but fortunately it did not explode. I stood there flabbergasted, looking at my nice, round, plump tire and my first reaction was to do this (ok, I know it seems hysterical, but that was the key to my nearly lost livelihood I was dealing with, ok?)...

I got to the orientation today and they told me that the lady I was to meet had a family emergency and had to reschedule. So I drove an hour and borrowed about half the pay I will get tomorrow for a wild goose chase that I would have to do again. The job was a one-day assignment for six hours in Champaign, an hour away just like the orientation and my last job were,so initially I was breaking even or slightly better on the pay, now it appears it will be in negative numbers... I got disgusted but chose to let it slide, tried to just be thankful that I would be able to keep my unemployment and the graphic art study that I am hoping to get going tomorrow.

I have to report training and education to the unemployment office too. Depending on how they classify that graphic art program, I may not be able to do it. Receiving training can cancel your benefits in some circumstances. If that is the case here, my only current wherewithal to pay for it would be taken away BECAUSE of my starting it! Of course, that would mean I couldn't do it. I have been, I think understandably, very stressed out over all this and so has Matt. I will know tomorrow, I presume, whether I can sign up or not.

Today, both my roommate and myself were nearing the end of how much more crap, and one "uh, oh" after another, we could stand. Though every situation has somehow been resolved, having one serious/potentially catastrophic difficulty after another get quite old after a while. Today I also got a call for a full time, non-temp job right here in Decatur. I found the message this evening, when I got home from writing in the cemetery and visiting the library. It is not unusual for an "attack" to happen right before an important breakthrough. "All is darkest before the dawn," as the saying goes.

I will return the call tomorrow, and hopefully resume working again very soon. The job is to be a machine operator in a custom embroidery  and silk-screening factory, it is here in town, but starts at minimum wage. That would at least pay the bills and not keep me from writing or studying graphic art.We'll see how it goes... I am hopeful. :)