Is Mother Star an "Ex-Gay"? No.

I am not "ex-gay" I am not "ex-bi" I am not "ex-"anything because who and what I am have absolutely nothing to do with anything I have ever been tempted to do, ever thought, or ever done.
Rejecting the identity I used to have for myself is about being true to myself, the real me, the God-created me that is always there and that I am continually growing into and becoming in so many ways. Actually, its happening in ALL ways, not just in the area of sexuality.

I did not and do not go around all day name-it-claim-it-blab-it-grab-it-ing heterosexual temptations and interests into my life. If that helps you, go for it, if not than don't.

If at some point, for a brief time or for longer, homosexual temptations begin to resurface, that doesn't mean you are losing anything, it means you are being tempted. Thats all there is to it.
Temptations do not make a person who they are. I had a homosexual urge very strong and unexpected about two or three years ago, triggered by a video I had seen many times and that had no sexual content in it, just a lady playing guitar. I had never had that response to it before. I looked away, prayed and looked back. I still felt the same way. I actually threw a towel over it and thought, "this is ridiculous..." and I prayed and asked God what to do and felt he was saying I needed to make a decision. Do I believe in who I am or not?
Well, I usually do not advocate talking much TO the devil, because he doesn't deserve it. Say be gone in the name of Jesus and that's it. So, instead I said, "I don't know why you are able to do this to me, but I know its from you and not me. I choose not to care if I still feel like this again for years, I KNOW WHO I AM. And THAT ISN"T IT! Period." I did not say that just in an effort to make the temptations go away, like "abra cadabra, battle is all finished and out of my face" or "if I say this, than it will stop" or "If I say this than I won't 'change back' and be gay or bi again" or any such. I *didn't* actually know if it would stop if I said that, and I didn't care. I chose not to care, like it was a decision. I meant exactly what I said. I knew what I believed about who I was, I knew he was attacking that, like sometimes he will attack your faith in God, your belief in your call, or in somebody you are close to, or your finances or whatever. He was attacking my identity, but his attacks did not have the power to change it, or even merely what I believed about it, without my agreement/consent. I was determined not to give in, regardless of how long the attack should last. I actively decided also not to even think about length of time it might last and get worried if I could fight that long. Just think "No." End of story.
I removed the towel and went on watching the video, steeled inside to endure whatever attacks, because there was no way I was going to be running away from attacks endlessly and perhaps end up cooped up in the house looking at nothing for however long. Why should I? Those temptations had no real power, not unless I gave it that power and I intended not to.

Well, when I took off the towel and turned the vid back on, everything was back to normal and the attack was over.
He was testing me when he knew I was weak due to having lost pretty much everything I had over the year or two leading up to that moment, and due to being sick and snowed in and unable to get through the weather to church for two or three weeks in a row. I was hurting, I had no idea where it was all going to end, or where I went wrong - if I did - to end up that way and etc. I was broken in very many ways, but my faith was not and my will was not. I was down, but not out. I guess that was what I was being checked for, to see if I was still alive in there, or If I was done with and defeated - or at least defeatable... By God's grace, I was not.
By God's grace I never will be, and sexual sins are not the only things that applies to, just one of many.
DO I know for sure I will never ever be tested again? No. I don't care either. I know who I am, and that is all I need to know about the subject.
Godspeed.
~Mother Star

Growing in Discernment: Lessons Learned in Transition

As I continue to grow in discernment and reassess my beliefs about things and the directives I use to run my life, discernment keeps rising as a priority.

Having grown up around a lot of people who thing they are prophets, I have found that I gravitated a lot to environments where inaccurate teaching about such things was the backbone of the whole show. I have been a lot of places where individuals who thought they or somebody else was a "prophet" - of course we use that term very loosely here - and had overblown and romanticized ideas about what that meant. I've moved in worlds where people aspired to have some alleged prophecy spoken over them to guide them in their life and to make their decisions by. It's dangerous actually, to believe that way.

People in these environments often feared the Catholic Church and thought it was there to suppress the moves of the Spirit, to put people under fallen human control. The Magisterium actually is there to protect us from false prophecies like you so often find in places like that.

I have heard parts of how alleged visions and prophecies are judged officially by the Vatican, and applying what little I know of it to the stuff I have heard in my life, it knocks out so many things I thought really were from God that caused me to make huge, life altering, devastating mistakes.

When I moved out of Decatur a few years ago, for example, I had received counsel from my mother, who is now unfortunately nutty as a fruitcake, and from a friend who was also nuts. I had heard that people with mental health issues seem to be very "open to the Spirit" but you have to be careful and sort out what they say because sometimes it is God and sometimes it isn't. SO I wasn't taught to steer clear of that, only that it could be wrong. One of the things the Vatican inquires about when they investigate a professed prophecy or vision is whether the person's mind is sound. If not, they inquire no further. It's not that God can't use people like that in any way, He can, but He isn't going to set a person in that place who isn't able to discerning His voice consistently because they have other things that masquerade in their mind as His voice. God doesn't want his people confused and isn't going to send us a messenger we have to wonder if is really from him or not, where we have to determine if that person really heard from Him or from their own issues. What "discernment" in these cases boils down to is, if we agree with what they say, we believe them, if not, than we dismiss it. That passes for discernment. In Catholic tradition now, the individual's mental health is one of the first things they ask about.

The other thing I do know about the investigation process is they want to see humility. Some of the people I listened to would not pass what I know of the tests they would use for humility. They believed they were the ones God would use to bring all kinds of revelation and unity and stability in the Church, they believed they were more Christian than most Christians, they believed that because they were outcasts that they were the number one group God was going to move though in the last days. It is true God looks on the lowly, but He chooses those who do not feel qualified in themselves; I and those I moved with prior to becoming Catholic had a lot of wounded pride and other issues and the thought that others mistreatment of us meant we were going to be the number ones caused us to be lifted up in pride, I think.  That is a big hindrance to one being used by the Lord in really big and mighty ways. Therefore I don't think God was going to put us on top like that any time soon.

I have asked my pastor to recommend some books on how the Catholic Church investigates alleged visions and prophecies from God, and plan to read as much as I can as soon as possible. There are many things I believed came from God tome or from God through others tome, that I was basing and intended to base major life decisions on including things like marriage and what to go to school for. I need to get that sorted out before I do much else.

If anyone out there knows of such writings, please pass the word along to me, if you will.. The little bit I have learned about the process has gotten me out from under a lot of bondage and is probably keeping me out of a lot of trouble.

Godspeed, And don't buy into any alleged "prophecies" form people with questionable mental stability, even if you have a bunch of them who agree with each other.

-Mother Star.

Teresa of Avilla, the Saint from whom I took my confirmation name. She spent a lot of time with God and received a lot of revelation. She struggled with discernment too, to decide what was from God and what wasn't. Some of her writings helped me grow in this area as well, I recommend them and think I should read them again.

On Growing in Discernment - A Few Lessons Learned from My Own Mistakes.

Learning, learning, never stop learning.

One important lesson in life that is a pre-requisite for numerous others, is that you must acknowledge and learn from mistakes. If there is a pattern of destruction in your life, as there has been in mine, it is often hard to isolate the cause. You will likely not see it and others may not either.

I went from MI to IL, leaving a motel room and a non-temp-to-hire temp job where they wanted to hire me anyway, to another temp to hire job that laid me off after four months due to a drop in orders.

I had misgivings about leaving to go to work for a temp agency because I knew stuff like that can happen. I had sat down and assessed what I needed, what was important to me and what I wanted, and wrote it down. I prayed and I asked God to show me where to go, and said I wasn't leaving for a temp agency, it can't be depended on and I needed something dependable. Well, I turned around and accepted a job with a temp agency anyway, and it paid $0.50 less an hour than what I calculated I would need, but hiring in usually pays more than the temp service does so it would have presumably been ok if I'd hired in. It was everything else I was looking for, and I got impatient, so I hurried. I compromised. They laid me off and so my work record was not that competitive, to say the least. I couldn't give notice where I was before I went there either, or they would have found someone else, so that messed it up worse.

The next job I found paid even less, costed more to commute to, and was non-temp-to-hire temp job again. I was there 11 months. It was an hour drive one way and paid somewhat poorly. It was the only job I could find at the time. After 10 months a snowstorm hit and blew my car off the road and totaled my car. I lived in a motel for most of the next ten days so I could take the bus to work, then I managed to find a decent enough car for only $575. I panicked, though, and one of the first things I did was apply where I am now, which pays great but is increasingly unsafe and has this awful, unhealthy, swing shift. The day of my pre-employment screening physical, we had another snow storm. I was really late for work but I got there ok. I had been driving too fast in order not to be tardy when I had the wreck and had learned from that. That was the last real snow of the season, so the danger of going through the same thing again was over for the rest of the year - in hindsight, that means the reason to panic was no longer even there. 

I had told God back in January that I wasn't going to apply here because of the schedule, I wasn't sure I could handle it and I knew it was very unhealthy. I said I would have to be desperate, but I said if for some reason he wanted me here, to let something drastic happen but please don't let me lose my job. One big reason I did not want a swing-shift was because I wanted to go back to school.
I didn't lose my job after the wreck, due to favor from God with the employer and with friends who helped me through it. I took the wreck and my getting through it all ok as the sign I had asked for, and went ahead and applied here. I only put that stipulation in there because it paid really well and because I didn't trust my self to make good decisions anymore after what happened when I moved.  Looking back, an awful lot of people were in the ditch, not just me, many were upside down or on their side. If Gideon had put out a fleece like that, he'd have set next to a big puddle so that if the wind blew right, it would soak his fleece anyway. I recall hearing inside, "Its better to be late to work than not have a car or even a life to get there with anymore. Slow down" or some such and I said, "God, I sure hope that's not you, 'cuz I sure as hek am not going to risk being late." I really try not to be late for things, especially work. I was late anyway though, because I was in the ditch.

I heard teaching long ago that I forgot about, where the minister said he knew a lady who got into a VERY bad marriage that was advised against by himself and others. The lady married the guy because while she was asking God for guidance about what she should do, the wind began blowing through her wind chimes and she took that as a sign from God that she should marry the man. This minister had said we should not be just going around looking for fleeces all the time, we need to use wisdom and common sense and other things, but he said for major decisions, its all right. He said, however, that a sign needs to be something that cannot possibly happen by chance, like wind in chimes or my getting blown off the road in a  severe snowstorm while going 60pmh. The speed limit was 70, but 60 was still too fast and now I know better. I shouldn't have taken that as a sign to take this job, though.

I've learned to listen more to my instincts, I've learned not to compromise or let situations make me feel like I have to compromise. Now, if I'd been blown off the road with no wind, and no storm or anything, and not speeding, THAT could have been a sign. It happening in a snowstorm when tons of cars went off the road, after I'd had a nagging feeling to slow down more than I was doing, is not a sign from heaven about anything except that I should have slowed down. Nevertheless, I hurried again, into a closer-to-home job that was a big compromise and guess what? I absolutely hate it and am not even sure if I can do it over the long term because I have so much trouble with the swing shift. They aren't sure I will work out long term either at this point, though I am trying to do my best. My education plans are dead in the water again, which was devastatingly disappointing  too, but I thought I had my sign so I went for it anyway.

What have I learned? I've learned not to compromise what I know I need in order to push something  else that I need through faster. I learned to wait on God even if it takes much longer than I want it to, and I learned that even in unpleasant things, one can learn. I also remembered what I used to know, that you can't take things anything that can have a non-supernatural root cause as a divine sign.

Hopefully, I have really gotten the lesson through me this time. My plan now is to NOT rush into the next thing but to do research and make sure I am not doing the same thing again.

In the mean time I will try to pay attention to what I need and what works for me and look for something that is a better fit. I need to not worry about how long it takes though, I need to worry about making sure it is right. Therefore I am now making another list of what I need and want and considering what is honestly non-negotiable. This time, I must not compromise no matter how long it takes, because that leads to instability, misery and disaster. I've also learned to cope with the pain of facing my mistakes and owning them. Its not fun, but it is the only thing to do to break a deadly cycle.

I hope my exposing my own foolishness and what I learned from it can help somebody else somewhere. Be careful if you think it should have been obvious. I used to do that and someday those who gloat over other's goof-ups will be banging their heads against the wall trying to figure out their own. I sure have been for a while now, so I also know now that I can never throw stones at somebody else's poor choices because I am more than capable of being blind of making mistakes.

Take care and Godspeed. And don't ask God for signs that aren't really signs.

-Mother Star