NEVER! GIVE!UP! - Knowing that You Have Value

I was  raised Republican. I am still not a Democrat, though I am no longer a Republican either.
Therefore, being out of work for an extended period and having to use assistance to survive is VERY demoralizing and makes me feel useless and like a parasite. Applying and sometimes interviewing and getting no calls makes me feel useless, as if I can't do any better than be a parasite. I can understand why losing a job drives some people to suicide, I felt suicidal over such things in the past. This time, not so much, as I have had so much more hope all the way through this than any other time I was out of work, plus I have people in my life that consistently show me I have value in spite of it, which has not always been the case.

My roommate, who is disabled due to Asperger's syndrome, says that even though he is having to pay almost everything right now out of his limited disability income, his life is still improved since I returned. He was, as he put it, "stagnating" while I was in MI, because he saw no prospects or hope for his life. He was gradually giving up and reverting to just amusing himself and passing the time till he dies - what a horrible feeling! Now, in spite of these obstacles, he does have hope and something to reach for.

My teaching him to drive goes a long way. Scrap metal is, according to his calculations, a perfectly viable way for him to survive. Once he has access to a truck, the possibility of putting disability income behind him and earning his own living - a dream that has often seemed impossible - will be within reach. If he has that to fall back on, PT or FT or temporary jobs will no longer be a risk, because he cannot be "cut off" from scrap metal for working elsewhere, and it will still be there whether or not working for others pans out. This is particularly true once he gets his driving license and his own truck. He tells me all the time that unemployment is at least connected to something that I have worked for and earned, whereas he has to psychologically cope with "you can't earn a living for yourself". That, of course, will likely change pretty soon.

I feel dependent when I am working too, because at any moment a change in the winds for the employer can spell disaster for me, as it recently has, and there will be nothing I can do about it. I "depend" on them and the future is incalculable. I, like Matthew, long to make my own way in life and put assistance from these programs behind me for good. Self employment is my dream, in combination with very self-sufficient (and markedly less costly) "Green" living. Since I was a teen I was expecting a collapse, and have been learning about self-sufficiency and homesteading and other ways to shield ones self from that.

Scrap metal is not, for me, a longterm prospect right now but on the short term it can be "insurance" against unemployment. In Decatur, there are a lot of people doing scrap metal because we have a metal recycling center in town. Plus, with the economy here doing so bad, and continually declining for so long, everybody is looking for alternatives to "a job" because jobs are scarce. At some point, even that becomes somewhat competitive in a place like this but so far it has not caused us a problem.

In our neighborhood, most houses are rentals, so landlords are always throwing things away. We have gotten a lot of mattresses and box springs and other furniture that we have dismantled for wood and metal. Without my car, we have no way to take it in, but we still collect it, especially Matthew. By the time the truck is in the driveway, we might even be able to totally fill it, who knows?

I will be going to RCC tomorrow, I hope, to register for classes. I am very concerned about all the things that can still go wrong, but on the whole I am hopeful. I will just have to take better care of myself so I will not become sick so much as I did before. Getting something better to drive plays a role in that too, as it means there will be no walking long distances in bad, freezing weather like I did last time I went there. As it is, I am fighting a sinus infection. I am resting today so that tomorrow, hopefully, I will be up to the possible 4+ hours in the waiting area to talk to the people I must talk to and fill out papers, etc.

In school before, I severely neglected myself in the name of saving money and limiting debt. That did not serve me well in the end. I will remember that and learn from it, and make myself a higher priority this time. I just need to remember that I am worth it.

Please remember that you are worth it too.

I think this is DuBourg Hall at SLU, one of the biggest disappointments of my life.
This time, I will not need to transfer to a new school to finish my degree, it is only a two-year program. Doing it right the second time around.

Godspeed.

~Mother Star

NEVER! GIVE! UP! - Appreciating the Power of the Little Things

Today the lesson is on how little things can make a big impact.

I found a plan for how to get through the semester with all my present income cut off.

I do not like having all my income being from some government program. Getting off of that would involve possibly having to go over a month with nothing coming in at all, not even the unemployment insurance and food stamps.
There are pretty healthy recipes I know that cost so little that I could afford to get through most if not all of the semester eating them. The ingredients last long enough, and are healthy enough, to do that, though they can be somewhat bland and I will need to take a vitamin supplement. I bought 15 bags of brown rice yesterday, thats one of the ingredients.
My LINK card, which is what the foodstamps are loaded on in IL, is missing. It may have fallen from my backpack or pocket when I was running errands yesterday.
No one can use it without the PIN number, but I can't get groceries without it.
If it does not turn up before tomorrow morning, my plan to go sign up for school at the last minute could potentially be foiled. I will have to go to the DHS office tomorrow, if I am well enough as I am now feeling ill, and see if I can get it replaced in the morning. Whether that can be done that quickly or not will effect how soon, and thus whether, I can register for school at RCC. A little piece of plastic, just a few square inches of plastic. Because of that, the direction of my life could be altered.

The alternative/backup plan is to start the online program through Ashworth college as soon as can get car back to running. Got a starter for it, and a new positive battery cable. just gotta put it back together, and wait for the next (last?) unemployment check to get insurance back on it. That will not help me put the investment class I already bought and read the material for to use though, as my car will still be ugly and loud and ruin my credibility...

The thing with the investments is you have to get an option to buy the property, the kind where you can back out of but the seller cannot. Then you have to find a buyer within the option period, and when/if you do, you buy and sell them at the same closing. Your buyer pays closing costs, and of course they are paying more than you are, so you have a profit. Options tend to cost around $100. In order for people to accept your offer (most won't anyway as it'll be low, but you don't know who will until you try and there are people out there who will) they must believe you can actually buy their house though - which you actually need not be able to do, you just need to secure the option and find someone else to buy it. If you drive up in a noisy, smoking, rusty, heavily dented car like mine, NO ONE will believe you can buy their $100,000+ house! Forget it. Ditto with not having a car at all. That's my problem in that area now.

Going back to school this spring could, in addition to job skills, get me access to resources to get a car with. Being cut off for what little income I have because of returning to school would justify maxing out student loans if I have to, and having a decent truck would enable me to do the investment stuff AND scrap metal. It will also go a long way to help in the traditional job search. So while I am waiting for the right house deal, I can still make money to pay the loans down.That is, even though no payments will be due til I am out of school for six months. There's no sense letting it grow unchecked if I don't have to...

If that plan gets shot down, then I will have to persevere as I have been, and try to fix the car up on my unemployment while looking for a job in a job market where you basically have to have a car or else... In which case it will just take a lot longer to get the same things done, and I will have to persevere for longer. How much longer, I don't exactly know for sure. I have seen a few more "Now hiring" signs lately, so things are picking up...

In the next few days, it will all get ironed out, and the decisions will be made.

I met the deadline for that anthology submission, and I did some writing for clients since I got laid off, so to say I was self-employed as a freelance writer is not a lie, at all. I was doing a lot of writing. I had a big project I got done and will hear feedback on sometime in the next week or so, about getting published or not. That stuff all resolves the "gap in employment" issue, I think/hope. Returning to school works pretty good as a reason to stop that "job."
I cut my hair today, since the shagginess and dead ends probably made me look less "together," even though I tried to make it look real nice. I will have to ask my roommates' mom to help me even it out. Then I will be more marketable for both employers and as an investor. It does not look much better now, except the dead ends are snipped off...

Little things make a huge difference, A little bitty piece of plastic, a snap on a pocket or a small pocket zipper coming open, which possibly letting the plastic fall out. Split ends in one's hair. Things that can alter the course of your life in this modern world, because they can deny you access to what you need in the times when you need it, or create an impression of you other than what people want to see.

Life sucks right now, but it could really be SOOO much worse, I really cannot complain. I have internet access and am sitting here blogging to the world about what I am dealing with.
I started this series with the certainty that in the end, it would encourage someone, because they would see what I come up against and yet, I WILL win! I still believe that, and I will never give up.
Neither should you.

Godspeed.

~Mother Star

NEVER! GIVE!UP! - Second Chances Sometimes Bring Unique Dilemmas

Job hunting, On unemployment. Sadly, on food stamps too. Hate that.
Turns out, four introductory courses that I need for the Graphic Art Degree are running in the Spring. It is not too late to sign up. I filled out the FAFSA and am eligible for full Pell Grant, Stafford Direct Student Loans, and Work Study. All my jobs were work-study jobs when I was in school before. If my overheads had been as low, and my prospects as high then, and if I had known then what I know now, things would have been much better for me during that time. I would have taken out a student loan and bought a car, so I would have tremendously better employment prospects.
In a two-year school, you don't get your funds from scholarships or financial aid until February or March, and classes start in January. You get just enough of your Financial Aid money to cover books at the start of the Semester. Then you get half of what's left of student loans in February and the other half in March. If anything is left of your scholarships or Grants, you get it in March or April. Classes start in January, this year it is on the 12th. It would be at least a month before I could start seriously car shopping, and it would still have to be a very cheap car. It would at least be a car though, and I could answer "Yes" to application questions about dependable transportation, plus I would be studying for a high-demand, high paying job that is creative.
I can do it all over again, and replace the car, which will also get rid of my obstacle for the investing I was to be doing. An ugly car keeps a person from being taken seriously, as does appearing not to have one, so wither way I was going to be toast. Going to school will also limit my availability to potential employers and narrow down my options in certain ways, too. On the whole though, it would probably still be better as far as forward progress.
Here's the dilemma: If I do it all over again though, and major in the right thing this time so I will be able to get a job and be creative, I will lose my unemployment and the other assistance. Treatment for depression and anxiety, which were aggravated very badly by the events of the past year, will stop because I will lose my health insurance. Taking six credits or more knocks out food stamps and medic-aid unless you are disabled or have children under 12. Going to school at all can knock out unemployment. 70% of people who apply for work-study jobs do not get them, because there aren't enough to go around. It will be a risk, because I'll either find a job very quickly or life will be asking much more of me daily, while giving me a lot less to do it with, for however long.
When I started school before, I gave up my food-stamps, which was my only income at the time, risking not being able to survive in order to hopefully live better. I thought, "If I don't do this, I will never find a good job, and I will always be dependent on someone. I will try this and if I don't make it, then at least I will die doing my best." That's what I thought. I did not major in the right stuff though, because I did not know any better.
If we go ahead and buy this house on CFD under the right terms, my roommate's rent will offset some of this but not all. So I have some investigating to do to verify that the right terms are indeed available. Either way it will still be a  risk to take.
My RCIA Class could be jeopordized if I take a full 12 credits, because the only possible 4th class will overlap it by 50 minutes. Even then, I could only do it if someone gave me a ride home on Monday and Wednesday nights. With 12 credits, unemployment would be guaranteed to be gone, but I am not sure if it would be absolutely gone if I took less. I will have to find out.

If I don't go through with it, then I may have very little chance of much improvement until Spring or Summer. It could also be longer, because there would be a huge gap in my employment by that time if I can't find something right now.

I will update when I have my answers.

Godspeed.

~Mother Star

NEVER! GIVE! UP!: Drive, Drive, Drive, Drive, Drive

You gotta know what you want before you can know how to succeed at it.
I know what I want and my dreams are as big as my obstacles have ever been, much bigger than they are now.

I have been writing, writing, writing. I have also done a lot of studying. There is lots to learn. Always lots to learn. There  will never come a time when that is not the case. No matter how much learning one has done, there is always so much to learn.

The landlord has offered to sell us the house on CFD. We would just pay the same amount we pay for rent,just like normal, until it is paid off. At this rent rate,that would be just under three years. My roommate doesn't want it,but I do. I do not want to take on that kind of responsibility in this situation though, so I have to wait.

I am still planning to study graphic art, but am no longer sure which institution to study through. I am considering the local community college here, just because it will be a lot more stuff, including some multimedia and 3D animation classes, plus hand-drawing which I want to get back into. It also offers an internship,which I could put on a resume and would go a ways toward building the all-important portfolio. The online one is cheaper though, is all online, and self-paced so it would not put any constraints on my time or miles on my car. Decisions decisions. Registration for the local school,which I already have a A.A. degree from and do not much care for, does not open until  late march or early April. Registration for the online one is always open. At least I am not under pressure to make a decision immediately.

I am getting through a MOOC creative writing class, little by little, as I can. It is going pretty well, I think. I am getting more serious than ever about my blog - well,there are two blogs actually. This one and one I only poston once or twice a week. I have done some research on SEO (search engine optimization) and learned some new techniques to try.

I also recently ordered a course for real estate investment. It checks out with the BBB and has pretty positive ratings and checks everywhere I have looked. So, I took the plunge a couple days ago and ordered it. I have been reading the e-book and am on page 16 or so out of 119. I hope to start seriously putting it to use in early January, maybe just a bit later.

I find myself pretty much where I most did not want to be. Living in Decatur in Winter without a job. However, I am holding my own for the most part, and am putting this time and disappointment to good use to make what REALLY want a reality. Decatur,IL does not have a lot of job prospects,especially in winter. The place that laid me off was in Champaign. The main reason I wanted to return to this region - not to this town, but oh well - was to be nearer to people that are far better family to me than my biological family. I had to escape my biological family, but I just had the best Thanksgiving Day I have ever had, despite my living in Decatur.

I am anxious to see some of this hard work pay off monetarily, but I know that is not going to happen in two weeks or anything like that. It takes months to get projects like these off the ground - especially for ones where the full course for how to do it has not even arrived in the mail yet!
In the mean time, I have gotten a couple of really short temp jobs lined up for December, a somewhat regular client expects to have more writing for me to do next month ("freelance" is usually never steady), and have unemployment coming in every couple of weeks (I do report anything I make to them, of course, and recommend doing so to anyone in that situation). Progress is actually moving at a pretty good clip, perhaps that is the reason why it often still feels like it is standing still....

Until next time, don't you ever give up on your dreams. And I will not do so either. :)

Godspeed.