On Growing in Discernment - A Few Lessons Learned from My Own Mistakes.

Learning, learning, never stop learning.

One important lesson in life that is a pre-requisite for numerous others, is that you must acknowledge and learn from mistakes. If there is a pattern of destruction in your life, as there has been in mine, it is often hard to isolate the cause. You will likely not see it and others may not either.

I went from MI to IL, leaving a motel room and a non-temp-to-hire temp job where they wanted to hire me anyway, to another temp to hire job that laid me off after four months due to a drop in orders.

I had misgivings about leaving to go to work for a temp agency because I knew stuff like that can happen. I had sat down and assessed what I needed, what was important to me and what I wanted, and wrote it down. I prayed and I asked God to show me where to go, and said I wasn't leaving for a temp agency, it can't be depended on and I needed something dependable. Well, I turned around and accepted a job with a temp agency anyway, and it paid $0.50 less an hour than what I calculated I would need, but hiring in usually pays more than the temp service does so it would have presumably been ok if I'd hired in. It was everything else I was looking for, and I got impatient, so I hurried. I compromised. They laid me off and so my work record was not that competitive, to say the least. I couldn't give notice where I was before I went there either, or they would have found someone else, so that messed it up worse.

The next job I found paid even less, costed more to commute to, and was non-temp-to-hire temp job again. I was there 11 months. It was an hour drive one way and paid somewhat poorly. It was the only job I could find at the time. After 10 months a snowstorm hit and blew my car off the road and totaled my car. I lived in a motel for most of the next ten days so I could take the bus to work, then I managed to find a decent enough car for only $575. I panicked, though, and one of the first things I did was apply where I am now, which pays great but is increasingly unsafe and has this awful, unhealthy, swing shift. The day of my pre-employment screening physical, we had another snow storm. I was really late for work but I got there ok. I had been driving too fast in order not to be tardy when I had the wreck and had learned from that. That was the last real snow of the season, so the danger of going through the same thing again was over for the rest of the year - in hindsight, that means the reason to panic was no longer even there. 

I had told God back in January that I wasn't going to apply here because of the schedule, I wasn't sure I could handle it and I knew it was very unhealthy. I said I would have to be desperate, but I said if for some reason he wanted me here, to let something drastic happen but please don't let me lose my job. One big reason I did not want a swing-shift was because I wanted to go back to school.
I didn't lose my job after the wreck, due to favor from God with the employer and with friends who helped me through it. I took the wreck and my getting through it all ok as the sign I had asked for, and went ahead and applied here. I only put that stipulation in there because it paid really well and because I didn't trust my self to make good decisions anymore after what happened when I moved.  Looking back, an awful lot of people were in the ditch, not just me, many were upside down or on their side. If Gideon had put out a fleece like that, he'd have set next to a big puddle so that if the wind blew right, it would soak his fleece anyway. I recall hearing inside, "Its better to be late to work than not have a car or even a life to get there with anymore. Slow down" or some such and I said, "God, I sure hope that's not you, 'cuz I sure as hek am not going to risk being late." I really try not to be late for things, especially work. I was late anyway though, because I was in the ditch.

I heard teaching long ago that I forgot about, where the minister said he knew a lady who got into a VERY bad marriage that was advised against by himself and others. The lady married the guy because while she was asking God for guidance about what she should do, the wind began blowing through her wind chimes and she took that as a sign from God that she should marry the man. This minister had said we should not be just going around looking for fleeces all the time, we need to use wisdom and common sense and other things, but he said for major decisions, its all right. He said, however, that a sign needs to be something that cannot possibly happen by chance, like wind in chimes or my getting blown off the road in a  severe snowstorm while going 60pmh. The speed limit was 70, but 60 was still too fast and now I know better. I shouldn't have taken that as a sign to take this job, though.

I've learned to listen more to my instincts, I've learned not to compromise or let situations make me feel like I have to compromise. Now, if I'd been blown off the road with no wind, and no storm or anything, and not speeding, THAT could have been a sign. It happening in a snowstorm when tons of cars went off the road, after I'd had a nagging feeling to slow down more than I was doing, is not a sign from heaven about anything except that I should have slowed down. Nevertheless, I hurried again, into a closer-to-home job that was a big compromise and guess what? I absolutely hate it and am not even sure if I can do it over the long term because I have so much trouble with the swing shift. They aren't sure I will work out long term either at this point, though I am trying to do my best. My education plans are dead in the water again, which was devastatingly disappointing  too, but I thought I had my sign so I went for it anyway.

What have I learned? I've learned not to compromise what I know I need in order to push something  else that I need through faster. I learned to wait on God even if it takes much longer than I want it to, and I learned that even in unpleasant things, one can learn. I also remembered what I used to know, that you can't take things anything that can have a non-supernatural root cause as a divine sign.

Hopefully, I have really gotten the lesson through me this time. My plan now is to NOT rush into the next thing but to do research and make sure I am not doing the same thing again.

In the mean time I will try to pay attention to what I need and what works for me and look for something that is a better fit. I need to not worry about how long it takes though, I need to worry about making sure it is right. Therefore I am now making another list of what I need and want and considering what is honestly non-negotiable. This time, I must not compromise no matter how long it takes, because that leads to instability, misery and disaster. I've also learned to cope with the pain of facing my mistakes and owning them. Its not fun, but it is the only thing to do to break a deadly cycle.

I hope my exposing my own foolishness and what I learned from it can help somebody else somewhere. Be careful if you think it should have been obvious. I used to do that and someday those who gloat over other's goof-ups will be banging their heads against the wall trying to figure out their own. I sure have been for a while now, so I also know now that I can never throw stones at somebody else's poor choices because I am more than capable of being blind of making mistakes.

Take care and Godspeed. And don't ask God for signs that aren't really signs.

-Mother Star