About Me

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Welcome to my humble abode. Feel free to sit down a while and warm yourself by my fire. I write here mainly to inspire, encourage, perhaps confront, to empower, and to change. If you leave with a lighter step, an answer to a question, really questioning long held ideas that may not be taking you where you need to go, or with a lot of new things to consider, I will have done my job. Please enjoy your stay. With love, ~Mother Star

Friday, August 25, 2017

Reflections on Intolerance, 10 Years After Sophie Lancaster's Murder

With the 10-year anniversary of Sophie Lancaster’s murder passing this week, the crime and its motive is drawing attention again from some.
After hearing of the crime, I started shouting from the rooftops about things that, while not exactly violent, were nevertheless extreme and which I had, at that point, pretty much kept my mouth shut about for 5 or 6 years.

Its not as bad as it used to be, but people don’t realize how intense and irrational so many people get over something or someone different, especially appearing different.

This crime shook the entire Goth community around the world, and aparently shook all of England too. The attention unfortunately made it harder for Rob to heal, but it resonated so much and scared so many people, to realise that "lookism" really can get this bad. 

It should work the opposite way, but unfortunately, professing Christians tend to be worse than most. Friends of mine have had objects thrown at them by adults yelling things like, “Mother F****** devils!” or “You’re going to hell!” The people who killed Sophie Lancaster were not professing Christians, which almost seems like an anomoly, actually.  I’ve definitely had my share of crap, not as much having things thrown at me that many times, but quite significantly worse.

Pretty much run away and homeless at 19, some people from a church who really did care about me thought it would be a good idea to put me in a faith-based drug rehab.
I wasn’t on drugs. I had not, and have not, ever taken drugs in my life and I told them so, but I’ve spent a year in a drug rehab anyway. I was told that the people in there were just like me, except I wasn’t on drugs. I got so I actually believed that too, for a long time. It wasn't true at all, Ihad issues, I had run away for a reason, but I wasn't like the girls in there, I was very much the opposite instead. That's what people around me believed though, and I came to agree, so I went.
I was the only goth in the drug rehab the whole time I was there. The top guy in the faith-based drug rehab that knew I had never taken drugs decided, after 9 months, that I wasn’t making enough progress. I don't know what progress would even have looked like, really, I don't remember. So, without even as much training for such things as their counselors had (they did not have actual counselors, they had “biblical counseling” which requires basically no training in psych whatsoever), he decided to take over counseling me himself. He said he knew I really had a heart for God but for some reason I wasn’t progressing well, so he was going to renew my mind for me. Seriously.
So I had to keep a journal and “track my thoughts” throughout the day and let him read it and tell me what to do different, sort of interrogating me like a movie lawyer about stuff. Leaving wasn't really an option as far as I knew, I had nowhere to go. They of course weren't going to help with "re-entry" unless I finished, either.
Long story short, they found a place for me to stay for 2 or 3 months at an A.G. Bible school when I finally finished their “program” (I guess it really did help some people. Drug addicts and career criminals got their lives turned around sometimes by the ferocious “tough love” and rigid control in there, but I sure didn’t. This mess I dealt with wasn't their typical thing though. I was different).
The folks at the bible school gave me a welcome basket and a piece of paper to fill out, just to get to know me better. It asked questions like my favorite food or favorite movie, favorite color, likes and dislikes, pet peeves etc. The only questions I could answer were my name and birthday. I honestly didn’t know myself anymore, at all. I doubted my memories, especially the most awful ones, I didn’t know what I really thought or how I really felt about anything. I had learned that anger was always a sign of a “personal right” that I had not given up to God and that I needed to identify that idea of a personal right and give it up to God and repent if I ever felt angry, and that most everything I liked or was interested in wasn’t really my interest but Satan had told me it was and I had believed him. Black couldn’t possibly be my favorite color, I didn’t really like bats, I didn’t really like . . . anything. I may not really have been abused, I didn’t really…
I truly could not sort out answers to those very simple questions. I realized then what had been done to me. I’d been brainwashed or mind-wiped or something.
I had to believe that the God who made me would be able to put me back together. He can, and He’s still doing it. Of course I have to do my part too.

The song seems very fitting for the topic here, it's just how it is when you must get through something like this. I don't know what happened to the singer to make him feel like this, but he sums it all up quite well.

In that awful place, a totally well-meaning and oblivious ex-priest with a theology degree came and talked to us a few times. He had left the A.G. church and went back to Catholicism, but was married instead of being a priest. What he said was just amazing and inspiring. My saintly maternal grandmother was also Catholic and I had one of her rosaries. I didn’t know how to use it, but it did seem to ground me and make me feel closer to her and to God. I forgot it in the prayer closet one time. Someone threw it away. Everyone knew I had it and several gave me crap for it, but I wouldn’t relinquish it. Somebody did it for me, though. I never forgot. The anti-Catholic prejudice from everyone but maybe two people there made me more drawn to Catholicism than I even was before. It was 12 years before I became Catholic, though.
I got into a cult when I got out and upon realizing it, left again and ultimately ended up working with the “Christian Goth” community in Central IL. Of course I believe you can be a Christian goth, but I’m not real sure anymore about organizing as such. . . After I got out of all affiliations with organizations claiming to be Christian goth organizations or churches or whatever, I came to the Catholic church. I was always told about how controlling they were. LOL! I remember thinking, “They can’t be any worse than I’ve already been through!”
For the most part they are nowhere near as bad. Some other churches I’ve been to like to do laying on of hands for everything, its just over the top, but they wouldn’t touch me. They’d hold their hands toward me and keep at least a few inches of space between me and them, but everyone else got actual contact. In RCIA, when I couldn’t take communion yet, I went down for communion with my arms crossed over my chest, like in a coffin. That’s the code for “I’m not Catholic,” and they won’t give you communion, they will give you a blessing instead. Fr. John drew a cross on my forehead and never recoiled, no matter what I had on. He didn’t seem to think I might spiritually contaminate him if he did that, like the Protestant charismatics and Pentecostals so often did/do to subculture people and to Goths in particular. The first time I did not go to C-stone or Audiofeed festivals to hang out in the goth tent, I went on a pilgrimage with my parish to the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception in Springfield, IL. I was the only goth in the place, I totally stuck out like a sore thumb, but you can’t even tell that in the group picture. I didn’t get any mistreatment either, a few people at the cathedral did very minute double-takes but that was all, I was treated the same as everyone else.

I'm the 6th from the left on the bottom. I don't get the impression of being a square peg in a round hole from this photograph.

I still have problems from the unfortunate experience in the drug rehab I went to for a drug problem I did not have, though it's nowhere near as bad as it once was. I.  can relate somewhat to Rob Maltby’s depression and anxiety, becoming a recluse, and struggling to get on with his life. It’s been a muddy uphill battle for me too for about … well for about 15 plus years at this point. Not without gains, but its one of those things like, the further you go the further you see that you need to go.

I know I can never imagine what its like to lose someone you expect to be your life partner so suddenly, so violently, and then have no privacy due to media attention and not have a decent opportunity to heal. I can’t imagine how difficult this time must be. I definitely pray for him and for others who have endured particularly extreme attacks for being different, and especially for looking different. I pray for tolerance everywhere and especially for the church - the whole church - to come out of the grip of whatever unholy influences drive this kind of behavior. I pray for an end to violence, and an end to intolerance, and an end to foolish stereotypes. I hope any who read this will pray too.

~Mother Star

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Today's Worthwhile News Breaking: Westboro Baptitst Church founder's Daughter Goes Pro LGBT.

I was just talking to an elderly friend about polarization and pride in the church and politics earlier today.

My understanding is, the Westboro Baptist Church founder's daughter is pro LGBT now, because she began to see the evil that they did and the cruelty and inconsistency in their teachings. The worst part is, being taught about sexual morality from the likes of them will probably make it harder for her to ever see the truth right. There is always hope, but we really need to pray for her.

I did not watch the TED talk she did, but I read a synopsis someone posted in a group. I agree with the problems she's pointed out, and that gentleness is the way to solve most and maybe all of our problems. I also note however, that Adolph Hitler probably believed that 2+2 is 4. that doesn't make 2+2 something other than 4. Even if people are really really terrible, it doesn't mean EVERYTHING they believe is wrong. Something being delivered the way out of balance and completely the wrong way wrong way doesn't make it all wrong.

Something being handled the right way doesn't make it right, either.
People instinctively and unconsciously begin to adopt the mindsets and views of those who love them, who they depend on and have relationship with. she did it growing up, and she has done it as an adult because she is human. People reaching out to you doesn't guarantee that they are right in their views or their lifestyle or their interpretations, though.

 The only bad part is, if she is now doctrinally in favor of homosexuality, this is not going to do that much to remove the polarization, because it still reinforces the notion that to be gentle and listen (like James 1:5 clearly says to do) is equal to starting to justify sin. I've always said that nobody did more to advance the LGBT movement than Westboro Baptist Church. The older ones in the lgbt movement didn't think they'd live to see gay marriage be legal, I've read. Without WBC, I really doubt they would have. WBC makes some type of martyrs out of just about everybody, because they're so extremely mean. Evidently, the effects reach to the founders own children.

We need people who stick to their values *consistently* and humbly, and deliver it the right way. The enemy isn't going to work as hard to get people who do inadvertently justify sin to discredit themselves through bad behavior; he has something to gain if they don't. If they flip out just enough to provoke people who don't, and soften us up for his assaults on *our* conscience and character, then he is in ship shape. The people who justify sin start doing it with a good attitude, and the people who should be the balancing force go all unbalanced and off the deeper end. meanwhile the whole ship sinks that everybody of any philosophical position is on.

A nice big disaster for him.

We gotta break that pattern, like now. God, please send correction to your church, let her learn the lesson that this multi-faceted spiritual tragedy
teaches. Please let us all see the light and find the right way somehow.


~Mother Star.

Monday, March 6, 2017

It's Amazing What You Can Learn from a Song

Not everybody would expect to gain encouragement from a doom metal song.

But I did.

I don't typically discuss what I give up for lent, because it seems almost like either bragging or making too light of something that should seriously matter. The last two years,since I've bee practicing it, I gave up chocolate for lent. One I gave up heavy and dark music also. THAT was hard. Lent isn't supposed to about making yourself miserable though, its supposed to be about growing up, maturing on the inside. It's supposed to be a season of inner growth and of getting rid of things that need to go out of your life. I'm trying to give up pushing to hard and driving myself toward goals with too much obsession and fervor.

I'm in the middle of getting demoted, I think. I expect it anyway. I am not well enough to do this new job, my foot is killing me, I think I have bone spur, and it's being on feet 12 hours a day, on concrete. That on top of anxiety was a bad enough mix, my brain apparently got so flooded with cortisol (stress hormone), there were moments I couldn't even read. It feels like, yet again, growth has been thwarted, frost has come and killed off what I had growing.

I listened to this song, "The Arrival" by Skepticism, which I've heard a bunch of times before, yet I never really heard it like this. Lyrics as follows.

Arrived autumn
With a visit uninvited
And by chill slowly growing
With a lesson fully dreadful
And by message all displeasing

Then arrived autumn
With a growing understanding
And by vision slowly clearing
With belief calmly growing
And by readiness to embrace

Then arrived autumn
With unpleasant companion
And with frost overwhelming
With a lack of will to stand still
And with movement backwards drawing

Then arrived Autumn
Not the light of spring to follow
Nor a summer nor a winter
With autumn tints the forests glowing
And with leaves newly falling

Then arrived
I to visit uninvited
With a message to me ageless
Carrying the understanding
Year of autumns one to embrace

I listened to it several times, and realized what a wonderful message is in it, and how timely it is for me now. I never have given up on my dreams, but that shouldn't mean that everything I do is to get back what the frost has killed off. "Lack of will to stand still," boy can I relate. Like I said, I'm trying to give up pushing to hard for lent, because it's killing me, it is more often than not just driving me crazy. I need to enjoy the autumn, enjoy the time when things aren't going my way, when it seems like I'm going backwards.
It is good to not give up but I have to stop pushing for Spring to come in the middle of another season. Hating the frost that comes killing everything you're working on is understandable, but still try to at least enjoy the color in the trees. Embrace the season, even if it is winter. Accept the timing and wait for your Spring, whenever it comes. That's what I shall try to do for lent and, hopefully, thereafter.


~Mother star.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Continued Improvement: How to Raise Your Credit Score

I have a rough draft of a plan to get from factory work to self-employment in the next several years. I can't put a goal date on it because who knows what all will happen. I have learned that. However, I can continue to move as quick as I can and trust I will get there, even if I have to overcome hurdles.
When my roof is on, and my house is free and clear (hopefully the latter will be right around my 36th birthday), then it is time to pursue renewable energy on the house. Two kinds. Solar and wind. When the sun isn't shining, the wind is often blowing. "In the morning sow your seed, and at evening do not let your hands be idle; for you do not know which will prosper, this or that, or whether both alike will be good." Ecc 11:6. Trying too hard to do the best thing and have the best results later has cost me dearly, so I am trying to loosen up a little. Its good to try to do the best thing for later right now, all the time, but one can't tell the future so its not good to have all the eggs in one basket, or be very inflexible with timelines and goals, and the order the goals should go in.

When student loans are paid off and I have renewables on my own house, it's probably time to start working more on working for myself. I am trying to prepare for that already, by doing my best to improve my FICO score. To finance paying people to fix busted-up old houses for me, and keep the interest and payments for it down, I will need excellent credit. I have great credit now, but have room to grow, so...

The things I've been doing the past year to improve my credit have really worked for me. I went on creditkarma.com a couple years ago and found out a whole bunch of stuff, over the last couple years, about building credit. Several months ago, I tried to switch to Charity mobile. They said my credit score was too low. I think that was in June or July. It might have been earlier. Today at about 9 or10 am, I will be calling them to activate my new phone that came in, and getting rid of my republican phone company (it supported the prolife cause, but that's the only humanitarian thing they do; they back things that will kill people too, and I'm consistent life. Out with the old and in with the new). My credit score went from 614, when they checked it before, to 707 when they checked it recently, so what I have been doing really is working.

This  is not just me being sentimental about a phone. This is major improvement and one goal to make my life what I want it to be, reached. 5% of my phone bill will help do things I believe in, and nothing that I don't. I couldn't pass the credit check before. Now I have. :D I look nuts because I was watching the pc screen instead of the camera, but anyway, ptl, I got with the phone company I wanted. 

Now, when I first called charity mobile, credit karma thought my Transunion credit score would be in the upper-mid 600s, but it was 614. Recently they thought it would be in the mid700s, but it was 707. Their credit score estimates are a little optimistic, but I think they are still worth following.

In a year, I went from borrowing most of a dear friend's savings to get a car to go back and forth to work and getting turned down for less than $500 car loan, to having multiple credit cards, some of which require excellent credit, and thinking about earning discounts on air plane rides. So now credit companies are genuinely hoping to get me to go to them as much, if not more, than I hope to be accepted by them. This is major change.

About a year ago, I found out the hard way that I really needed to get a credit card. I went over 3 years with no late payments, no negative marks from my student loans (meaning no late payments or black marks on my credit at all as long as I'd had them. Went into forbearance a few times while laid off, but no black marks). Yet, I got turned down when I had that wreck last year and was stranded in Champaign for the better part for 2 weeks, because all I had for credit history was my student loans, and I (wisely) kept those to a minimum as best I could. No late payments at all, in the whole 3+ years, but still I was told no. I had to borrow most of an almost-as-poor-as-I-was-back-then friend's savings to get my Cavalier, and paid him back when my tax refund came. I could have paid off the bank when the tax refund came too, but that's how it went since I got turned down. It was a nightmare. I was very thankful to have such loyal friends, I'll tell ya! I never want to have to do anything like that again though, ever. Never, ever, ever. Besides saving me from having to borrow from friends, having a credit card would have saved me over $100 on that ordeal, because the expense of towing the car off the highway was too much and it had to be at their lot until payday when I could settle the bill, which cost $50 a day, plus there was towing it to their lot for that purpose too, I forgot how much that was. It was just awful, the whole thing was just terrible. It could have been even worse, and I am very thankful, but nevertheless it did indeed suck.

Most of the credit score factors have always been A+ ratings because, though when it rains it pours and I have found that for some of us it rains a lot, I am generally pretty responsible. Besides that, clearing out just one very small student loan a couple months after that wreck caused my credit rating to jump by around 20 points at the agency it was reported to. Time and experience factors have been the F's and D's and C's on my credit factor "grades" on credit karma as long as I've been using it. Those are what the loan officer stated as his reasons for turning me down a year ago, too. I resolved to work on those. He said these words to me exactly, "You can't rush time." I think he used terms like "credit experience" or something to that effect. He definitely used the word "experience." I can't rush time, no, but I can make choices to make the time accomplish more, or less, for me; so can you.

 There's these trade-offs to consider. Increase number of accounts above 10, and you greatly improve on one of two experience-in-handling-your-credit factors, BUT doing so lowers your average age of credit history. So its like a teeter totter, one goes up the other goes down - for a while. If age and number of accounts is your main problem, shooting down the average age of accounts is a temporary problem; it resolves itself with two years of not buying anything but groceries and gas, or other stuff you would buy anyway, with your new bunch of credit cards. Creditkarma.com gives an F grade to 2 years or less average (also called the mean; add up the ages of all your still-open credit accounts, then divide by how many still-open accounts you have. Include months too, using decimals, and get as close as you can, or you'll likely be way off.) age of credit accounts. At this point I'm on the verge of reaching creditkarma's C grade on that. Adding enough credit cards to get into the C range for number of accounts right this minute won't drop my average age of credit to 2 years. Not quite, anyway. After 2 years, the average age of credit history would still be above 4 years, according to my calculations. Hard pulls on my credit report, which don't affect credit rating heavily but they do count, will also fall off in two years. I'm looking to make decisions now that will boost my credit as high as I can get possibly find a way to get it after 2-4 years, so I have sought more credit cards that don't charge interest if you pay it off on the due date, and that do not have any monthly or annual fees, ever. What you spend with it is what you pay, and that's all, unless you incur interest. Incurring interest will hurt your credit, too. So I applied for enough to drastically improve my weakest credit factors over the next few years, but not so many that I'd have to buy more stuff than I would otherwise in order to use them all regularly. According to my calculations, I think the most I can handle that way is also the least I need to reach the "grade" I am aiming for. For me to raise the credit score from great to outstanding, and make business expenses less later, I have to tear up one side of the experience factor temporarily to go the next grade up on the other experience factor.

I found and applied for enough credit cards to reach the number of accounts I need be ready, credit-wise, to invest in real estate in 2 years. Whether I will have enough money to purchase 2 or more trashy-but-redeemable houses without financing them, plus have absolutely no debt and built-in renewable energy at home, by then is admittedly very questionable. Nevertheless, continuing to improve FICO score even longer won't hurt anything. It will help even more, because the average age will continue to rise. It will help lower interest rates and payments and otherwise improve the terms I can get. It will only serve to make the interest and payments and stuff lower later so I can pay them off faster, or afford to take on a little more with a little less risk of having it all go to pieces on me, or both. The more I can afford to pay for improvement loans for houses bought free and clear, the more I can get done towards being fully self-employed, and creating a few more jobs in this area. I was accepted for all but one card I applied for; the Capital One card I applied for doesn't give an answer in seconds, like the others. It takes a few days, so that one is up in the air. If they say no, I will apply for something you can get with bad credit to make sure I don't get refused.

 At first, I didn't care about "rewards" when browsing credit cards, because I figured I was seeking free credit opportunities as opposed to coupons, but if you have decent credit and there are things you want to do that are pricey, look for rewards that help cut down those expenses also (Obviously, if you have no credit or bad credit, earning airline miles cannot be your pressing concern now. Wait at least six months and fix your credit first, then think about that). I got one that has airline-related rewards that will build over time, and hopefully save me a few bucks when I have vacations that I can actually use for a vacation. My next vacation, and likely my next two, are booked doing things like put a roof on this house or attend some kind of urban farming or solar installation certification workshop. If those rewards can help me out later though, they will have lots of time to build up (Maybe I will actually get to see Diary of Dreams live onstage before old age forces them to retire. I sure hope so, we shall see...). Two of the cards I chose to apply for will also give me my FICO score on my all statements, for free. Two years ago, when getting the annual credit report that credit reporting agencies here are legally required to give me for free if I ask for it, I was too tired to know what I was doing and subscribed to my FICO score from that company. It cost me over $25 a month for a couple of months, auto-debited, then I was able to identify the problem and cancel that. If the credit card company shows the actual score, not an estimate like creditkarma, then I can have more accurate readings. I found out a lot of credit card companies are starting to do that, including "secured" cards for people who don't have any credit history at all. Some cards also have due dates you can choose, within a certain time range, that is even better. When I needed tires desperately, that feature was a lifesaver. I got them right after the closing date, and set the due date to 25 days after the closing date, the latest possible, so nothing came due for almost a month after the next closing date. I had almost 2 months to pay them off with 0 interest. Otherwise, I would have carried a balance with almost 25% interest charged on that balance; it was my first credit card and my credit score was somewhat low, so the interest rate was sky high and the credit limit was low. If you have more options than just "secured" cards, pay attention to the other details because some of them might matter sometime, you'd be surprised.

This promotion I just got at work puts me at almost 40,000 a year, and after being qualified in the position, it will exceed that. Last year was the second year in a row I reached 5 figures in my annual income. The year before that was the first time in a decade. Income improvement alone wouldn't help this much though, if I made bad choices with credit. Relatives of mine make 100k a year and can't borrow anything because of a bankruptcy and continued bad decisions and I wouldn't give them any money that I expected to need back, especially if I needed it back on time. The friend whose savings I borrowed wouldn't likely have saved my neck if I wouldn't have given him my tax refund. I had already done my taxes and knew what was coming and he knew I would give it to him even if I started needing it for something else by the time it arrived, because he knew me pretty well and had seen me do such things. "His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord." Matthew 25:21,23. I'm not ruler over much of anything just yet, but I am still learning about how to be faithful with what I have, and now I am at last starting to see some serious results. It wasn't always that way, but thank God I am starting to reap the rewards of being faithful with very little, and being honest even when it seems easier not to be. I recommend it.


~Mother Star.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

To Christians With Same Sex Attractions

One of my old crushes was doing a radio interview today. Melissa Etheridge has a new album out, all covers of 50's and early 60's tunes, and older blues tunes. I had forgotten entirely about that. Obviously, the radio interview didn't cause me to start going all crazy or anything, but it reminded me of another time... Then I remembered other crushes like that. I was almost afraid that remembering would bring it back, which it didn't, but that reminded me of the torment that so often goes with that kind of temptation. You're always afraid it will be triggered, and that you will feel terrible while you sit there with whatever positive chemicals God made for romance flooding your system at the same time. it is very confusing. And awful. I can understand why people would want to just give up.
I wanted to give up. But I didn't. And now I'm talking about the whole thing in the past tense, as I have been for a long time.

A post someone made in a facebook group I am in:
"The Book of Romans chapters 5 through 8 are very powerful. Ask the Holy Spirit to intercede and guide you through the scripture readings. For the scripture is Spiritual and communicates with our Spirit."
When I was walking through it I read those a lot. I didn't think it was helping that much,only a little. but i think it kept feeding me and i kept on growing.

Abraham waited decades for his answer to prayer, and I remember thinking I didn't want to have to do that, but I told myself it didn't matter, my life and my being was God's and if for some reason he would make me wait that long i would do so. I bet Abraham wanted to spend his youth running and playing and wrestling with his kid. He didn't get that, but he did still get the kid.
It was definitely not that longfor me.It was years but not decades. Also I have found since that more healing is needed of the wounds that made it possible for me to be tempted that way. I am still healing, but I have still been walking free, as in, without any same sex attractions and in my case also having opposite sex attractions, for along time despite those wounds. Don't get discouraged by seeing a new pile of wounds you never realized you had that need healing. It doesn't absolutely guarantee a delay in your answer. However, having the wounds exposed may still be part of God's work in freeing you...

Its like a metaphor Corrie ten Boom used to use: she showed a cross-stitch she was doing and showed the back side, which looked a mess. she said "Life is like a weaving between my god and me. He sees the upper,"  she showed the front of the cross stitch" "and I, the underside." then she showed the back/bottom again, which looked like a tangle mess of crazy threads going this way and that way.
Everybody has that problem, it just comes in many forms. Some people its crippling disease, for some people its a temptation for some kind of sin, some people it is poverty, or crazy relatives. For some people, its a war torn and starving country! Or combination of these things. Never let the enemy make you feel isolated, like this temptation makes you different from others who don't experience it. all of us are different, but all of is are the same. just keep walking, knowing who He said you are, and stick to that.

Don't give up. It is not who you are. We all do get to decide who we want to be and what direction we want our life and thinking to go. And God never makes carry anything alone, He's there and there are others even if you just don't see it right now.
Btw, Just to make sure there is no confusion, I did not use any "reparative therapy" and I definitely do not endorse that.
~Mother Star
Keep on walking in the light that you have. As the sun rises, more will be seen. But stay on the road you must travel until you reach your destination, whether the journey be short, or lengthy.

Monday, September 26, 2016

My Testimony in Brief

I did not know the word "transgender" when I was little. I just knew that, whatever I wanted to do, it seemed I was getting told it was something for men and boys to do.
At around 12, i sometimes had attractions toward other girls.
By 16, I was in a real crisis about my sexual orientation and identity. I knew about homosexuality but not the new term "transgendered."
I was depressed, at times to the point of suicidal, and exposed to people who said not only that homosexuality was sin, but that those who experienced the attractions did so because God had given upon them. They twisted scripture to fit their fleshly wrath and anger as badly as liberals currently twist it to support condoning homosexual activity.
At 18, I went away form home by myself for the first time, and I met an ex-lesbian named Kim. Kim had never used reparative therapy and did not care about it. She gave me a printed copy of her testimony. I read itseveral times. I kept in touch with her and some of her friends.
At 19, I left hoe, pretty much like a runaway does.I had no home or job t go to, and I half-expected to die. It was scary. However, I knew God was real and could help if He chose to. Clearly H did or I wouldn't be writing this. I went to the town where Kim Lived and went to her church.
By this time, I pretty much wasn't feeling any more attractions to girls, but I still struggled with female gender identity. I wasn't comfortable with it at all.
I went to a residential therapy place that worked with people mostly from the street,and most of them had drug addictions to overcome. It was not a good fit for me at all, but they thought that the techniques they used on drug addicts would work for anything and everything. Not so. It doesn't work for depression, social phobia, anxiety or gender identity problems.Or self-injury.
I got worse instead of better. I became not only uncomfortable with being addressed as female but very comfortable with being mistaken for a man.
Because the culture in that area was very "Its a man's world" and the only hint of job skills I had were in factory or construction, I had a hard time finding work. I was sent by temp agencies when they had called everyone, the shift had already started and there was no one to send. I got hard work for very low pay and was sometimes sexually harassed. I was definitely discriminated against. I was told "I don't hire women" once. In my country, that is illegal, but in this instance it was impossible to prove, My word against his, there was nothing I could do about it.
I resisted the temptation to shave my head,tape down my bosom, and wear baggy clothes to cover my figure, but being homeless, jobless, and having run out of hope for things to get better, I did all those things for practical reasons: to hopefully seem less girly so people would believe I could do something and hire me for odd jobs, and to make myself unappealing to rapists.
For the first year or so after I left that place, homosexual thoughts and feelings came back and went away. I refused to entertain it or give in to it.
I read Christian books on marriage, and the differences between men and women, and actually a lot of it is junk science and, if you think about it, doesn't always fit Christian teaching on God's plan for sexuality. If I read too much of it, I started to struggle with my identity again. I often cried when I read these things,. I just wanted to know how to be what I should be, but eventually, I found I had to stop reading that stuff. At the time, I thought it was legitimate science.
I mostly became more and more comfortable with being a lady over time. Finally, I began learning a little bit about traditional roles for women in matriarchal tribal cultures. I am part Cherokee Indian, and found that in ancient Cherokee society, WOMEN built houses and grew the staple crops that made up most of the food supply. Sometimes they also went to war. My very powerful instinct to provide, and to be depended on to take care of people and feed them and to build my own house and make it sturdy and safe was by no means a male instinct. Its more of a human instinct. If there IS any genetic aspect to it, which I doubt, it likely came down from my Indian blood. I learned that these allegedly "male instincts" are perfectly compatible with nurturing, and are part of it. I learned that emotions and sensitivity are not weaknesses but strengths which are highly valued in some of the oldest and most stable societies that are still functioning today. The more I learned about natural, real womanhood, the more happy and content I feel in my own skin.
In tribal societies and in the Bible women are strong and do physical work. Proverbs 31:7 speaks of a virtuous woman's physical strength, and the Hebrew word used there specifically refers to physical strength.
As I was able to separate God-created, god-given womanhood from the oppressive and demeaning lies about helplessness, weakness, and incapability that I'd grown up with, I became completely free of Gender Identity Disorders and problems. I no longer had to avoid "triggers" that could cause me to doubt either my faith or myself.

That's the short version. I'll be happy to hear some of your stories too

~Mother Star

Me in welding school, 2007.

Friday, August 5, 2016

You Cannot Lose What You Are!

You can't lose what you are!

You cannot lose what you are, you simply cannot. If God made you something, a man or a woman, you can't do anything to not be that. “Be a man!” is like telling the water to be wet, or to be water.
Lucifer was created a powerful celestial being, and was created to worship God. He fell, and his nature was corrupted beyond redemption (Ez.28:11-19, Is. 14:12-20). Yet in Jude verse 9, we see that he is still a powerful celestial being. His nature was corrupted, he lost his job forever, his destiny was not fulfilled, yet what he was, the basic thing that he was, did not change. He still is that.
In Judges 19:22-30 we find a group of rapists assaulting somebody until she died! I can’t say much for the guy she was actually with, either. It does not say anywhere that any of these guys were OK to behave as they did, but it does say that they were men - “Men of Belial [the devil]” or in the NASB “a perverse lot” is what it calls them. Their natures were corrupted severely, whether beyond redemption or not we don't know, but pretty darn bad. Even with guys this bad, the Bible doesn't say that they were not men at all, it says what kind of men they were – really super-crappy ones. They did not lose basically what they were, but their destinies were not getting fulfilled by them acting like that. They are did the opposite of what they were created to do – I think the guy she was with did too – but they were still men, just as Satan is basically a celestial being like he has always been. 
You get to choose what kind of man you are, but it is not up to you to make yourself one. God already did that; that ship has sailed. You cannot lose your manhood by losing your job, or by any kind of moral failure, no matter how bad, or by anything bad happening to you or by anything anyone does to you. No matter what anyone says.
It is an incredibly painful thing to think that you are not what you are, particularly as far as gender is concerned. People will go to mind-boggling extremes to satisfy the need to believe they are men or women, and parents will go to amazing lengths for their kids in this area too. It even seems to be a stronger drive than self-preservation or avoidance of physical pain. or than protecting kids from harm. Below, I have embedded footage of one of the less horrific male rights of passage I've heard of. Its pretty intense! Some initiations for girls are even worse than almost any I've heard of for boys. It can't be fun to walk around feeling like “the other shoe is going drop any minute” and expose you as some kind of posturing phony, or "not a 'real' man" or some such. Dude, there is no other shoe. There can be no other shoe. God making you what you are is not a shoe in the first place, therefore there is no need to assume there's another one gonna show up any minute that will be the opposite somehow. It can't happen. There is only what is, and that's what you are. You can't lose that. So stop worrying about it, and letting Satan push you around by telling you any impossible “If… then…” stuff, putting conditions on something that cannot even change. Your mind is your mind, you have control over what goes on up there. You don’t have to believe what is not true, regardless of what those around you believe or say.
There is nothing you can ever need to prove to God, God made you and knows everything about you, and He understands everything.

Again, there is nothing you can ever need to prove to God, and God's opinion is the only one that ultimately counts.
Any situation or threat that causes you to doubt yourself, to fear or wonder in this area, honestly cannot actually take what you are away from you. All it's doing is showing you where you have built your "house" of gender identity, and perhaps self-worth, on sand instead of rock. If you really aren't enough for whatever you have been called to do or created for, than God failed, since you did not make yourself. Can God fail? Can God get it wrong? Or do we sometimes ask things of ourselves and each other that He doesn't, putting human will above His? Can God do shoddy craftsmanship, or do we just not appreciate or understand what he made in us? He can't fail, and he made you. That is the rock that identity should be built on. Everything else is merely sand.
“Woe to him who says to his father, 'What begettest thou?' or to the woman, 'What have you brought forth?” “Woe to him who says to his maker, 'What makest thou?' or 'Thy work, he hath no hands.'” To doubt yourself in this manner is to doubt God, and that is actually a sin. Sin is to be resisted, not accommodated, or accepted as status quo. Declare war on it. “The weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty in God for the pulling down of strongholds. We demolish arguments and any high and lofty thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” A “stronghold” is pretty much a mindset or a deep-seated belief that is not true, in this case it is a cultural entrenchment. There are peoples in the world who don’t think men need to “prove their manhood” all the time. At least as late as the early 1990’s, the Minangkabau of West Sumatra, Indonesia and the Mbuti of the Ituri forest in Congo were examples... 
I challenge you to begin to prayerfully pursue and root out anything in your life that reinforces these lies for you that you actually have control over (some things in our lives that do this, we don't have control over, but we're not responsible for that) – especially your media choices and the things that you say. I don't care if it is Christ-professing or well-intentioned media or whatever kind of influence it is. Maybe there is some good mixed in with the bad; mixing about six spoonfuls of potent vitamins with a teaspoon or so of rat poison is still gonna make you sick.  Get rid of it. If you can identify what it is, than get rid of it if you can. Give the enemy no place in your life.
It’s been around 20 years since I began the process of removing the poison of pornography and “women’s magazines” that basically tell me how to fix everything that is not even wrong with my appearance, and other such crap out of my life. I can say that it is a difficult process sometimes, and at times it is a sacrificial road to walk for a little while, but is well worth it. I encourage you to prayerfully give it a go.
Take care and Godspeed.

~Mother Star
God made everything in nature what it is. Despite how confused we humans can get about ourselves, either thinking to much or too little of ourselves, who and what we are doesn't go away. We can't putout the sun by disbelieving init, and w can't cease to be who we are no mattr what we think or how we feel or what we do because we doubt ourselves.